Kendra's Comments

Breathing easier

2011-05-20T09:59:00.002-05:00

I can breathe easier these days. I have been given a grace, if you will, that after being beat up and knocked down so many times in the past few years, I get the chance to stand and not be pummeled. I have to say that I am so impressed with myself. And if you know me, you know that I don't usually toot my own horn. But this time, just this once, I will! I came through! I am a single mom of two, a homeowner, a crucial part of a fantastic church, and have family and friends that care deeply about me. I was carried through the worst parts by my God, my family, and my friends. It's not always easy now. In fact, what's funny is that this time of my life is just as hard as some of the other things that I faced. I'm tired. Bone weary most of the time. And I have stressors on my life that want to make me scream some days. But it is sweet. I am blessed enough to hear my kids laugh together in the other room. And fight with each other. My friends call to check on me, not because they are worried, but because they care. They know I'm ok. My mom and dad don't have that look of concern anymore when I'm around. I'm ok. Life is good. I've been out on multiple dates with a guy that I really like, and we really enjoy each other's company. People say that I have a smile on my face every time I mention him. That's good. I understand just how much grace I have been given. I came through something horrible and it's been turned into something beautiful. I don't deserve this. But I will throw my arms wide open and accept it. He is gracious, folks. More than any of us can imagine.

Take it all in. It's good.

Back to Things Left Behind

2011-05-13T20:41:00.002-05:00

I found myself listening to country again. Before you gasp in shock, take this in. Yes I used to be a country music fan. I, probably like most people, go through phases of music. For a while it was 80's, then current pop, then christian, then bang your head stuff, then that all-out-angry-fight-anything phase. Country was something I got started on when I was dating Rick years ago. It was ok then. But as time changed, I found myself not being able to listen. Even when we were married-too much pain to hear those songs that I knew so well and new things that were so similar to when times were good. Before things went south. Before the money and status and position took hold. A beat up truck and a tiny apartment. Things were not good for a long time in my marriage. I can accept that. And hold myself accountable for my part. It certainly wasn't one sided damage that occurred. Both of us created a monster.

But now, for the first time in years, I can listen and enjoy it. Relax and not cringe at that twang of a steel guitar. Makes me smile for the first time in years. New things have a significant factor in that. Not just the house, but new people. I'm in that terrible pendulum of being ecstatic about going out and the swing of the other side of not hearing from him for days. An old friend once said never let your highs get too high and your lows too low. Good advice. Hard to do, but best for everyone involved.

It's getting there. Think it's time to go honky tonk'n again. Can't dance well but that doesn't matter. It's all good.

New things

2011-05-01T19:24:00.002-05:00

Lots has gone on lately. So much so that I haven't had time and energy at the same time to post. Sounds crazy but true. Changed job positions, bought a house, gone on a real life date (TWICE with the same guy!!). I just understand how incredibly blessed I am. The kids are doing really well, I am adjusting to life truly on my own, and loving that life is somewhat normal. I know that it may not always be so, but for the moment, just for now I am happy. Not that I'm not usually, but there is no pain right now. No fight for a breath of peace if that makes sense.

I LOVE my job. It's crazy, hectic at times, and things don't always go the way I think they should, but I love it. Never have I been in this type of position. I work with the BEST people. It's not always easy, but it's good. And hey, being the "church secretary" has its' benefits. I know everyone around. Or am getting to know them. It's great.

The house is going well. I am down to 2 boxes in the living room. We won't discuss how many are in the garage. But it feels like home now. And it's mine. Again not perfect, but perfect for me and the kids. There are the standard snags that frustrate me but there is a certain amount of pride that goes with my own space. I'm more tired than I ever thought I could be, but that's ok.

And of course for THE date. :) He is a wonderful guy. A gentleman in the truest sense of the word. And we have plans for another date. I am all smiles and as goofy as a 16 year old. We shall see how this goes. I'm sure I will have more to say on that soon.

God has really used all this right now in an interesting way. The things that I have passed over for ridiculous amounts of time are the very things that make me smile now. This house and the guy that I am seeing are top of that list. They were on my radar for a looong time and I just never looked twice. But that's ok. Learning new things again. And it's good. Very good.

Doctor's Offices and other fun things

2011-01-08T13:44:00.005-06:00

Well, let's see. The next exciting chapter of the trip to Mexico. So on the first full day we were there my sinus infection was in full swing. Some gracious soul (and you know who you are) told the director of the orphanage I was in bad shape. This was completely unbeknownst to me. So just as I was laying down for something that resembled a nap, I hear someone come barreling in the women's cabin hollering "Kendra get your shoes on you're going to the dr." So all foggy I manage to get myself quasi together and out the door. I load up in the orphanage's van with one of the staff who speaks no English, one of my friends who speaks no Spanish and one of the residents who has been there since age 3 (he is now 38 and has had cerebral palsy since birth). Just for fyi - he does speak some english. It's sort of broken but you can have a conversation. We go down into town and to the local doc. Now mind you this is in Reynosa. Seeing this environment in comparison with where we live is odd at best. Again there is the whole gritty nature to anything in public.

The doctor's office is right next to the pharmacy. The pharmacy which kind of resembles a back closet filled with boxes of meds. You go to the pharmacy to get a number to get in line to see the doc. The doc's waiting room is a small room with say 10 chairs. 7 are filled by people. 1 has a mysterious liquid in the seat that one seems to want to touch. I take one of the remaining and my semi-English speaking friend takes the other. (My friend and the other member to our crew are outside, waiting for me to see the doc.) Mind you, at this point I feel like poo and don't really care what happens to me unless I feel better. I also stand out like a snowflake on a blackboard. The blond hair & blue eyes aren't really helping me here.

So we sit and wait. The other people in the room obviously notice me and comment. One sweet lady tried to talk to me but the language barrier was a little bit too vast. (Oh why didn't I try harder in the 4 semesters of Spanish I took in college) Anyway, after approximately 45 minutes of me watching the other folks trickle out of the waiting room and in the office, my number is up. This is after listening to all sorts of moans and groans from other said patients that have been in. At this point, I am alarmed to say the least. But no one else seems to be worried so I of course will not show any concern. Crazy white girl. But like I said my number is up and in I go. Fortunately, at this point my only spanish speaking friend is there and she goes in with me.

We go into the office and I realize we aren't in Kansas anymore. (not as if we were before) There is no nurse, there is an ancient exam table and a desk. That's it. Oh and the doc. He looks like he is 12. I'm not kidding. I don't know if he is even shaving yet. But he seems to understand some english and we can have a conversation about how I feel like my head is going to explode with yellow snot at any given moment. (sorry for the graphic nature, I'm on a roll now) He looks at me very knowingly and says "Sinus infection" I say "Yup". He says "Reynosa no good for you. Dust bad. Rain bad. You go back to Texas" - Okie doke smarty pants. Just make me feel better. So he asks if I want pills or shot. I don't care I say - thinking he will give me the shot in my butt and off we will go. Not so fast. He gives me 3 different prescriptions and sends me on my way. I'm not quite following here, but thinking that the infection has now made its way to my brain, I'm guessing I'm just out of it. My spanish speaking friend pays him in pesos (50 believe it or not-really cheap!!) and we return to the closet of a pharmacy. The pharmacist (who also looks quite young) gives me a small package of pills, 3 different vials of stuff and 4 syringes. Excuse me?!?! Yup folks you got it. I get to find someone to turn me into a pin cushion. And we aren't talking little dinky shots. McDonalds straws.

Thankfully, I deduce from the discussion that my two spanish speaking friends are having that Blanca (our driver and assistant director for the orphanage) used to work in a doctors office and has done shots before. Yay. So at least someone who has done this before will do the honors.

So we get back to the compound and troop off to Blanca's home there on property. She expertly mixes the meds as directed and says the words that every nurse in the world apparently knows. "Leetle pinch". HA. They only say that because it's not their butt that they are happily putting holes in. Anyway, she gives me the injection, which does feel like it's going in like molasses, and I am back up and headed for the dorm again. I did feel better after an hour's nap so the meds must have been good. I mended enough to get me through that day or at least until the next shot was due, but was graciously given to me by one of our team members who I didn't find out til later does this periodically.

The sinus infection did seem to abate while we were there which allowed me to deal with other things like my son upchucking a couple of times. Not from the water-but some other unknown source that I still haven't figured out yet.

I will post again about the wonders of our trip and the other things we did, but I have to go for now. Keep reading.....

A few pics to see.

2011-01-07T13:10:00.002-06:00

One of the boys from the orphanage & I. This was the night of the quincenera.

They love having photos taken.

Josh, one of the girls & I during lunch one day.

Mexico and other things

2011-01-07T12:45:00.002-06:00

Let's see. I should tell a little about my "adventures" (I use that term loosely) in Mexico. We will start with the drive in. It's about 10 hours there from Burleson. That includes stopping for gas and lunch. It was pretty uneventful til we hit the border. Even that wasn't really crazy. Mildly stressful as I have never driven across the border, but other than seeing the soldiers with BIG guns, nothing really happened. And then we were in Mexico......

It's really different driving in. The concept of clean is VERY different. The neighborhood we drove through is rough. The houses are tiny and made of concrete. There is stuff everywhere. Old tires, trash, you name it, it's there. We were caravanning in and I was second to last. The road was interesting. 12 inch deep potholes are a new experience to drive over, as are 2 foot piles of gravel in the middle of the road. (I drove around those) The speed bumps are serious out there too. Why they need them in random places I don't understand but apparently someone thought it was important. It's not like anyone does anything in a hurry there. Time moves at it's own pace. Speed isn't really one of the words that you think of much there.

Anyway, about halfway through the neighborhood, we encounter a flooded road that we had to drive through. Flooded with sewage. Fun. I was told to make sure that I gave the car in front of me plenty of space when we hit it, just to make sure I didn't end up having to stop and sit in the middle of that. At this point, one of the biggest blessings was that the sinus infection I was developing had already taken effect to some degree and I couldn't smell the lovely aroma. But the kids could. And they made sure I knew about it. You know that look of flames that people put on the outside of their cars? My pretty little red car had that look but it certainly wasn't flames. Neat-o.

We got through that just fine, and headed on to the orphanage. Down a dirt/gravel road that looks like someone's driveway. Encountered a semi broken down on it at one point. These roads are narrow, so watching a full size suburban with a trailer scooch around the semi and not fall in the irrigation ditch on the other side was eye opening. I had probably the least problem there of all our cars. We did make it to the compound fine. Never in my life have 10 foot cinderblock walls with ornamental spikes on top looked so comforting. We made it, left no hub caps behind, and to the best of my knowledge, the underside of my car is intact.

That wraps that story and as I have laundry still staring at me from the trip (almost a week later) I had better tackle that. More adventures tomorrow kids.

What I did over Christmas vacation

2011-01-05T21:24:00.002-06:00

Sounds like the classic freshman paper right? I actually did something significant this year. Significant enough to write about anyway. The kids and I went to Mexico for a mission trip. Our church has supported an orphanage in Reynosa for at least 3 years that I know of. It's a place that mothers who can't take care of their kids can drop them off and know that they will be fed, clothed, educated and given a clean safe place to sleep. The only thing that the mothers are supposed to do is agree to come visit on Sundays and go to church with the kids. Some follow through and eventually get back on thier feet and the kids go back to mom. Others disappear into the night never to return. Tough situation. So our church among others goes down and helps out by helping with funding, rebuilding, new construction, loving on the kids etc. Kind of you name it we do it.

It was kind of a spur of the moment decision to go, and I decided to take the kids. Everyone has heard about the danger of border towns right now, but I have to say that we saw no violence, no danger, no issues at all-unless you count the open sewer line I had to drive through. That was nasty. But no danger to any of us. We had 27 people in our group and took 5 vehicles. Amazing place to be. God's hand is definitely on that compound and the safety experienced there is unsettling in a good way. I never worried about the kids during the 4 days we spent there. I didn't know exactly where they were at least 80% of the time. Just knew they were somewhere on the property.

The thing that impacted me the most kind of cropped up before we even left. I knew about this trip months back and knew that it would be good for the kids, but when I heard that out of the 30 churches that usually send groups down, only 2 came including us (and we had already gone down at least 3 times earlier in the year) I knew it was important to go. These people are running a ministry that is in real need of support. Not just financial, or even prayer, but visible shoulder to shoulder support. They stand in the gap in a very dark place. How can I talk about my struggles and faith if I don't come alongside those who face things much worse than I do? Anyway, I knew this was important to do and show my kids. If I am not willing to show my faith how I can I live it?

I'm still digesting the week. There was so much that happened. Went to a Mexican doctor, went to my first quincenera (I know that's spelled wrong, but you get the idea) learned how to caulk windows and eaves on the second story of a building while standing on scaffolding held together with baling wire. Each of those events could do their own post. Oh and Josh barfed at least twice. Never dull.

Like I said, still digesting and processing. I will definitely go back. Just have to plan a little more.

***See, I can do a post that isn't all woe is me!!***

Thanks Jenny-I can see you waving out there!

Going for Daily

2011-01-04T12:08:00.002-06:00

Trying a new thing this year. I refuse to call it a full on "resolution". I have a nasty habit of breaking those. Will try to post to my blog for five out of the seven days of the week. Not necessarily pics although I have so many on my phone I need to let others actually see them. Novel thought.

I realize my post last night was pretty bleak. My outlook is kind of that way right now. I do know that it's not permanently so, so hang with me as I slog my way out of this mire that has been my life for the past few years. There is hope. There is a better day coming. It just aint here yet. Not that now is horrible. In fact it's much better than it was a year or two ago. Keep praying with me. Specifically-provision and direction. I know it's time to move out and on my own. The logistics are some what frightening and intimidating. Life continues to be a challenge, so pray that I rise to meet it rather than let it blow me over.

Promise to come back and I will try not to be so weepy and bitter. :) Thanks for being along for the ride. I know some read and never come back and some read and never post. And then there are those who remind me I am not alone. I thank God for each of you, in each category. Keeps me sane, knowing you are there.

New Year New Life

2011-01-03T22:29:00.003-06:00

Here I am again. Beginning of a year that I yet again hold out hope will be better than the last. So far we are better I guess. Began the year in Mexico at an orphanage on mission trip. That was good. Got me out of my comfort zone and began to peel back the layers of a mindset buried in frustration and (to be painfully honest) anger. Anger at myself first-I made the choices that got me in the mess I was in, anger at those around me who don't move at the pace I would have them go (not that it's fair mind you, just being honest); anger that I placed my faith in God who doesn't seem to be moving much on my behalf. (I know that sounds harsh and self centered-again more honesty than anything.) I have decided that it is time to put the last 3-5 years to bed. No longer to chew on old pain and old issues. Rick is gone and in his absence I am the sole support for my kids. No matter who is around me, I am the one where it ultimately falls to. Can't do anything to change what happened. I want so much for new things. I no longer want to be a crutch for anyone. Learned some hard things this year. Good things, but hard none the less. There are no white knights. No one will come and save me. I have been standing on the side of the road, hoping against hope that the fairy tales are true. They aren't. Accepting that makes life easier somehow. No matter how hard and cold reality is, accepting the truth makes it easier to get up and face the day. You keep going because there is no plan B.

Now while this sounds so very cold and hard, I am gaining a deeper understanding of faith. At this point, it's just me and God. There is no tangible person to cling to in the moments where I can't stand anymore. I have to rely on Him. No tangible one who knows me inside out and will be there to lean on. Learning about rebuilding walls and how they have a two fold purpose. Keep out those who shouldn't be there and keep those in who need protection. Boundaries have a purpose. I've never been good at establishing them. My nature is such that I tend to be open to people that come into my life without reservation. I think that has been one of the points that I have needed to learn this year. People will always fail you. No matter who they are and how much they love you, you can't put your faith there. God won't fail, and He's the only one that can be said of. Time to retreat and allow Him to establish my lines. The funny thing is that I know how hard headed I am and that it took this long for me to get it.

Such is life.

Gosh has it been that long??

2010-10-20T12:53:00.002-05:00

So I've had this post kind of rumbling around in my head for the past couple of weeks. Not that it spurred me enough to post earlier, but ehh....

Progress is being made. I am in a holding pattern as usual but I think I'm a little more stable emotionally. Life continues to throw curve balls, but they aren't as crumbling as they once were. The kids and I are ok. Not just going to be, but are. Understanding that this is life, like it or not, takes quite a bit of time to wrap your head around. But I do get there. :) I do know that this season is going to come to an end. Its been a loooooooooonng season. This year I have dealt with 4 deaths, a couple of surgeries for people I care about, changing schools for my kids and my son starting kindergarten. And those are the highlights. My heart has been broken, wounded, bruised and patched. Still not healed, but getting there.

The biggest hurdle right now is that I want to move on. But I have to make serious choices about that. I am still with Mom & Dad and finances are ok. But I don't see living with my folks being a real viable option if I want to start dating again. So I have to choose between being able to be with my kids when they are home from school till bed and going to all the school stuff and a "real" job. 8 to 5 really means 7:15 to 6:00. Sigh. What to do.... Both are beneficial, but which is best for now.

On the dating front, the one that I would choose doesn't feel like he can be that guy. Ok. At least right now. Course, when I'm gone, I'm gone. God will have to orchestrate that I guess. In the mean time, I'm certainly not too shy to put out the word---know any single guys 35 or so? At this point, I'm just looking for someone willing to go for a fun evening. No major strings. Tell me I look nice and can we see a movie, maybe have dinner.

There's always more rumbling around in there, but unfortunately, life beckons. The multiple screens I have open on the computer are an indicator that I do have things to get done. Online classes, number crunching for church, and the running list of things to do.

We shall see, folks......

Bonnie Raitt is never good for me.

2010-08-16T22:46:00.002-05:00

So, life's been a little odd lately. Have lots going on and am really ready for school to start. We are in the throws (is that the right word??) of getting school supplies together, uniforms together and trying not to hit our siblings. (I don't have that issue, just to clarify) I have come to the point that I realized that someone that I care deeply about doesn't quite have the same affection for me. Really good friends etc, but ..... you know the story. And I'm ok with it. Sort of. I will be. He's a good guy, strong Christian and deserves the best. And has been a real support for me for months. Just not that spark on his end like I hoped for. Such is life.

Really, I'm fine. Just happened to hear one Bonnie Raitt song and turned me in to a blubbering idiot. Not that it takes much to do that. I do find it amazing that God allows us to experience such exquisite (or maybe excruciating is better) pain in life. I know that the past couple of years have not been easy or my best. And I have no doubt that He is using every moment to mold me into the woman He wants. But it bites sometimes.

So I am at the moment when I really need to figure out what is the positive in this. Because I am that eternal Pollyanna, how on earth do I see this as half full? My kids are doing amazingly well, my debt is almost entirely gone, and I have the freedom to do what I want, conservatively speaking. I need a vacation for just me. There really isn't money for a true go to the beach and park it in the sun for two days trip, but maybe up to see family or something. Just get the heck outta Dodge. Who knows.

Just kind of processing here, and learning to wait patiently. Blech. Other than a little blue, I'm fine. The world has never stopped spinning just because one small girl had a bad day. Tomorrow will be better. Prince Charming shows up at the end of the story and I will get my ride off into the sunset. Just not today.

Hhrmph

2010-07-24T10:12:00.003-05:00

***Whine Alert***

Saturday morning and I have about a bazillion things rocketing thru my head. Interesting things this week. I know that I have a HUGE issue with fear. Not so much phobia type junk, but I am afraid of being emotionally hurt or seeing someone I care about hurt. In ways it would be so much easier to physically hurt. It's visible, and you can actively see the healing that takes place. I seem to skirt every issue that might possibly, just maybe, in some small way cause pain or even discomfort.

Which brings me to my current meanderings through my brain. I can't see healing take place emotionally. Frustrating to say the least. And in that frustration is the underlying re-injury that I (to a certain extent) deal myself. I love being with the old and new friends that are married. But at the same time, it really gets me. To watch two people function together and genuinely enjoy each other is bittersweet. I know that what I wanted and asked for in a marriage, I didn't get. He told me he didn't want me anymore. Flat out. I didn't cut it. .....Ok. Now what? I fought for what I thought was right and did everything I knew to do. So now it's time to get up and get on with life. Is that healing?

One thing that I did realize is that I don't want that label of Single Mom. I don't like the mentality that goes with it, I don't like that venom that spews out toward the world. Don't want to live in that bitterness and anger. Functioning in that role for the mean time is fine, but I don't want a temporary role to become my identity. I don't think it will be this way forever, only for awhile.

I guess this is all coming to a head because I see time march by and feel like I am frozen in limbo. There are things that I want to see happen. I see potential for a business, potential for a relationship, potential for a very not-normal but good life. But it all comes back to fear. How afraid am I of stepping out and revealing more of myself, my thoughts, my plans and dreams to those who matter most? And why am I afraid? Some of it is because of fear of pain, rejection, fear of causing discomfort or pain to someone else, the typical things you might think of. But also, I understand that it is frankly, I don't want to be told that I am wrong. That my choices were in error. Ouch. Pride rears its ugly head.

Well, Lord here I am again. You seem to have a knack for putting Your finger on the one spot that is the most tender and say-"Deal with this spot first-the we can deal with the rest". Will keep working. One step at a time right?

House full.

2010-07-11T23:48:00.002-05:00

Hmmmm. What to write. Well, had a house full of people, sound, life tonight. It was good. Sounds so understated, doesn't it? But it was. And it seems, of late, that that is how things are for me right now. Tonight my brother and his wife and their kids were here, along with a friend of mine and his kids. Lots of laughter, noise and conversation. Good stuff. Last night was the same way for me, only I was at a friend's home with H in tow. They had family over and it was the same thing. Laughter, noise, conversation.

I am wrestling with the fact that God hasn't shown me much of late of what I want to see. But in flashes of understanding I am seeing what HE wants me to see. I want to know where I am going. What path should I take? If I do this-this happens. If I choose that-something completely different. And in the midst of my questioning, I get it. Just be. Be still and know I AM God. He is providing. I have more family around me than I could have ever asked for. 3 years ago, I would have never imagined that this is the road I would be walking down. This time two years ago, I was living in the ICU waiting room at Baylor downtown trying to wrap my head around what was going on. A year ago, I was sorting out some hard core emotions of rejection and anger. My how life has changed.

Still struggling, but who doesn't? Everyone has things that they have plow through. I do understand more of myself. My biggest hurdle has been that God is not tangible. He isn't someone that I can call up and have sit at the kitchen table and have coffee with. Not that He isn't present, but I can't have an audible conversation with Him. I really dislike the whole-is that me is that the enemy or is it God-arguement that goes on inside me. I like concrete, definitive concepts. (there's an oxymoron for ya) But I am realizing, God doesn't always work that way. That may be part of this whole faith thing. Ok. But I have no problems asking for that. Lord, be real. More real than You have ever been to me. Let me hear without question and move without fear. He's big enough to be tangible when I need it. Just can't put Him in a slot and dictate how it gets done.

Anyway, rambling thoughts for a Sunday night. Sleep well.

Still here, still blogging

2010-06-27T22:52:00.002-05:00

Sort of. I am woefully behind. But then life is like that sometimes. It's summer. And all that goes with that here in the lone star state. Which means it's hot. Cook your toes on the concrete hot. And it's JUNE. Sigh. Oh well. Could be worse-I could live in Houston.

HA!

Anyway, the kids are out of school and I am working on multiple projects at once. Walking with this huge sense of anticipation of late. There are lots of things on the horizon that would be really neat, and I know God is setting things in motion that I can't begin to grasp. And for right now, it's exciting. Not that anything massive has changed mind you. Just happily waiting for God to move. And He will. Never failed in that. At the moment I am in my optimistic Pollyanna mood. Give me a few and I am sure you will see that crash and burn-why me routine. Life is good. I know that. Hanging on to that in the midst of my crisis, that is the toughie. But for now, just for now, I celebrate. My kids are doing really well, I have a little money in the bank, the bills are paid (or will be when the mail gets picked up) and people that understand me better than I do myself are around me. And to top it off, He loves me. Me. Wow. Don't get it, can't fathom it, and find myself wondering why most of the time. Really? You sure bout that? You know me, Lord. And yet He keeps saying it.

Good things today. Happy Sunday.

SIGH

2010-05-16T20:47:00.002-05:00

Not so much a sigh of exhaustion or contentment, but somewhere in between.

Yet again I find myself hammering out trust issues between me and God. You would think that I would get this down by now. Especially as much as I lament (fancy way to say I whine a lot!) about it. Am I the only one who struggles with this? CONSTANTLY?? I can verbalize it all day that I trust Him. Putting that into action, well that's another matter. I know part of it is because I am such a tangible person (as if that's unusual) and seem to need that assurance that I heard Him right. Is that even possible? Of course I do tend to question myself the most. Did I hear right? Did I do that ok? Is that what He meant? Pick pick pick. Keep picking at that spot and you will do damage.

In discussing this tonight I was told I should write this down. Give myself a time and date stamp on thoughts. Guess that's part of the whole journaling thing. This venue gives me some of that. I can look back and read where I've been and kind of see where I'm going. The most recent issue is that I know I have been told to do something. Relay a piece of information about me to someone that opens me up to be hurt. Not intentionally by anyone, but that horrible fear of rejection. What if they don't agree, what if it makes them uncomfortable, what if I have read the situation COMPLETELY wrong, etc etc etc. The stinker is that what I was told was to tell them and then trust Him with my heart. My fears, my potential hurt. I know that the anticipation is almost always worse than the actual event. Part of me says "SUCK IT UP WOMAN!" and part of me wants to climb into a hole and pretend that I don't have to do/say anything.

I will follow through. Because it's who I am. Because I want to do what He asks. Because I know He has my best interests at heart. At the same time, I think-He directs then I get to do all the bleeding. Now, I know this isn't true, but it feels that way sometimes. He does know and has bled and has hurt, in ways that I can't begin to fathom.

Oh to know the outcome before committing to a path. Like I said....SIGH.

Updates updates

2010-04-29T20:37:00.002-05:00

Not that anything new is actually going on right now. Just plugging away at life. The kids and I are doing pretty well. The paperwork pile is shrinking slowly. Looks like there are many things that I won't be responsible for financially. The whole not having many joint accounts thing. So things are being freed up on the money end for me. Regardless, I know that the kids and I are taken care of. I am trying to learn that God does have everything in hand and that I need to be certain of how much I trust Him.

Job wise things are moving slow. I have a couple of summer things lined up that may turn into more full time, just have to wait and see. I'm in no panic right now so its ok. I do know that things will work out fine.

On a more personal front-today is one year since the divorce. Wow. How life has changed and shifted. I am stronger now than I have ever been. Its been a roller coaster of a year, but the people that have surrounded me and lifted me up have made an immense difference in my life. I am sure that without your prayers things would have been much harder.

Will post more again soon.

Life it is a changin

2010-03-27T07:57:00.003-05:00

Life seems to change so quickly for me of late. The kids and I are doing really pretty well in the aftermath of Rick's death. I know it's easier for me than the kids. I didn't lose my dad. And because of that it's a little hard for me to understand how to best help them. I just do what I can for now and keep going. I am still dealing with the MOUNTAIN of paperwork that is left behind. Blech. Still having to process all that. It's hard because I can't really do anything since I am not his next of kin. His mom has to handle it and she works full time so time isn't a luxury she has much of. It's a terrible double edged thing.

Anyway, the good things in life at the moment are: J got in to the Academy here in town. That is huge! It's a charter school of sorts that does things a little different-more tailoring the education to what fits the student. Brain based education etc. H is on the waiting list for her grade in the fall but I am praying that she will get in. Financially things are looking better. Social security will kick in to help out with the lost income from child support so I am going to be ok in that aspect. At least able to breathe and not be consumed with worry about money. I have a new nephew, born in the midst of all the chaos this month. My brother and his wife have added a son to their family and I couldn't be happier! He looks much like the baby pictures of my brother and J is really excited that he has a boy cousin. He doesn't understand that Jack won't be playing with him yet but that's ok. All in good time. And last but not least, I got a Mac! (At an amazing price!!!) Been stashing money away for a bit and I was able to pick it up yesterday. It's used but oh so wonderful! So at the moment I am in bed blogging. Yeah for wireless!!!! Love love love having a laptop not to mention that it is a Mac! Have to get a bag for it now, so that I can take it with me so that will be my next fun thing.

Do keep praying for me on this though. I am really trying to balance my emotional response to girlfriend. I know that she lost someone she cared for deeply, but it is really hard not to hold her responsible in ways. She helped Rick's decent into this pit and forgiving that is hard. That and she seems to want to be in contact with me. Not so much of late, as she is moved out to her own place and getting on with her life, but there for a while it felt like she was attempting to maintain a relationship with the kids etc. Not gonna happen. Maybe I'm reading it wrong. I don't know. I do know that I need to see her the way Christ would and not through my filter of humanity and pain. Of course that doesn't mean putting my kids in the mix. That I know.

Anyway, pinging thoughts for lazy Saturday morning. It's all good baby. It's all good.

I'm Tired

2010-03-07T19:11:00.002-06:00

So incredibly tired. There has been so much that I have had to do in the past few days that I honestly can't figure out which end is up. Still processing the fact that a man that I cared for deeply is gone. By his own hand. Rick and I had problems. But I did love him once. Deeply and passionately. And no matter of how I feel now, I never wanted to see him hurt. Not this way. Not that he does now, but the depth of the hole he was in I can't comprehend. I have had so many conversations of late about why and not understanding etc etc. Suicide is just so mean. It is a hateful thing to do. And he knew it. He knew the pain that it would bring and still did it. Can't wrap my head around that. The sheer weight of the paperwork/red tape/emotional baggage he left behind is staggering. Not to mention the debt and the damage to his kids. To look them in the eye and tell them that their father is dead is the thing I hope no mother ever has to do. And yet I know that I am not the first nor the last to face this. It sucks.

The kids are doing pretty well. J is drops comments in conversation so I know he is still processing. H is a little more difficult. She has seemed to accept it all very quickly and that worries me. She could be doing just fine (relatively speaking) but I just don't know. I will be getting them into counseling soon to deal with the aftermath that I don't know how to begin on. But we will keep going. I won't let them see me crack under this. They see me hurt, but I will not be broken. And that is only by the grace of God. He has carried me and will carry me. Not by my strength, because it is gone. I honestly don't know how I have gotten through the last few days. I just keep going. This is a very different tired. I sleep, but when I wake up I am just as tired. Oh well.

A friend and I were discussing all this in the last couple of days and a comment was made that will stick with me forever. We seem to ask for life to be "better" or different. Or we are waiting for things to improve. The thing is that this is life. With it's ups, downs, horribly dark places and mountaintop experiences, this is it. There is no life without pain, and no life without joy. It just comes in different seasons. I don't like it right now, but it will change. There are blessings coming from this that I can't see yet. Don't get me wrong, I want to get on with it and get out of this place that I am in but I know the good times will be that much sweeter because I know how dark the other places are. A solid dose of humor helps. People have seen the more, shall we say, unsanitized side of me of late. Especially those who weren't there for my walk through the affair and accident. Makes me laugh. I think I shock some people. Here I am. Take me or leave me, this is who I am. No excuses. Crass and sarcastic, gentle and sweet all at once. (probably leaning more toward the crass and sarcastic side)

I also lost my grandmother this week. Rick died on Wednesday and my mom's mom on Thursday. I think I have had enough death for a while. I think I'm a little numb to it right now. Can't really take in much more on that. I do have to say that God has really placed key people in my life. I have had a core group of people that have been there to listen to me rant and nudge me in the right direction. They understand me even better than I understand myself right now. One in particular has been a rock. Every time I dissolve and can't face one more thing, that support is there and I get put back together and can face the next thing. Couldn't do it without that support.

I am so touched by the outpouring for my kids and I. People have stopped their lives for a moment just to help me and pray for me and the kids. Amazing. To whoever made the anonymous donation, thank you. I am stunned and in complete awe.

Anyway, I am rambling. I'm ok. The kids are ok. We will make it and are held in His hand. One step at a time.

Less Grumpy post

2010-02-17T10:31:00.003-06:00

For those who I'm sure believe that I only post when I am grumpy or annoyed, thought I would post when I am in a better mood.

Valentine's was actually pretty good. Being on Sunday this year, I did spend a significant amount of time working at the church, but that was ok. Having the position I do gives me the ability to hide when I want but be social should I feel the need. Hung with the kids primarily during the afternoon, but had the chance to watch a movie with friends that night. It was really good to just be with people that I care about but aren't family. No pressure, no expectations, no demands. Really good.

I am still ruminating (ha! my big word for the day!) on other topics. I am doing better at being content in my circumstances. As you can tell, this may change from day to day, but on the whole life is ok. Good even. Not that I don't want different, but knowing that it will come is ok for now. Of course, that doesn't give me a free pass to procrastinate, which is what I have been doing of late. I have put off so many things that they are looming large and must be tackled asap. Blech. Not that all of them are big and hairy, I'm just a little lazy. Some of them I just don't want to deal with. Am in process of trying to get H & J into a new school here in town, so there is paperwork and doctors stuff and all that junk that has to be dealt with. Bills to pay and work to do that I don't really want to mess with, but mess I must.

Anyway, kind of pinging around here, but wanted to let everyone know that I am not quite so emotional all the time. :) I do have my ups and downs, and I know that I have family and friends that read this who probably worry a little about me. No jumping off bridges here. Just an occasional pity party. Thanks for listening (reading) though. And praying. Couldn't make it without that.

Grumble grumble

2010-02-08T10:33:00.003-06:00

Disclaimer: I'm grumpy. Must stop blogging when grumpy but it does help. Read at your own risk.

Ok so it's been a month. or so. Life continues to be up and down. Some days are really good. Others bite ROYALLY.

I have determined though that some of my mood is connected to the weather. Before I went through the last 2 years I loved the rain. Loved it! My happiest days were being able to sit, curled up with a blanket and enjoy the sound of rain on the window/roof etc. Now, I am so longing for sunshine. I need something bright. Especially when things are uncertain. It kind of feels that I will never get back to being confident and self assured. I put up a pretty good front, I think. Most folks that I encounter in any given day wouldn't think that of me. But really, I am fighting to maintain. Fighting to maintain my self image, my faith, my sanity. I realized (again, probably) that I am still angry at R. Not so much that I would want him to change or anything. Or even that he is "to blame" for my circumstance. Just that I am angry about the fact that everyone else has someone. Or seems to.

(I realize that my perception is skewed right now. Bear with me.)

I was told recently that I need to not be so desperate. Don't jump for the phone when it rings. And while I rationally know that to be true, it's so hard when everyone I know has someone. It's very hard to listen to someone tell me not to be a certain way when they haven't walked in my shoes. Don't tell me about how not to be lonely when you have ALWAYS had someone there for you as an adult. Or how that I just need to allow God to fill those gaps. Really?!? (understand that I am processing this right now and am going to be pretty raw and uncensored) As much as I know and believe God, I am truly struggling with the filling me part. He doesn't seem to be pouring much in to fill that gap right now. Can He? Oh yes. So why isn't He? What am I doing that is preventing that? That hole is pretty ragged. And being the "tangible" person that I am I don't see how He is doing anything about it. Yes, I have read Psalms and Proverbs and if I read one more Christian self help book I will ralf. Don't tell me how to fix it, just get it fixed. Shallow, I know. Like I said this is just me raw at the moment.

I do understand that hanging on to faith is sometimes a sheer act of will. I don't see what He is doing and that frustrates me. I see people around me in strong healthy relationships and I want to scream that it isn't fair. But yes, I know God never promised fair. And a year from now will be different. I hope. He will provide. He promised to, right? I guess one of the things that has rubbed wrong is to hear the spouse bashing that goes on from friends, the media, etc. Especially on husbands. Don't go there people. Be very careful about what you say.

With Valentines around the corner, I want to run. Hide from everything. Not an option. So I face it, stuff the anger, frustration and slap that facade up once more. My kids can't know. I won't do that to them. They deserve better than that.

On a positive note (because I feel like I have probably ranted enough and depressed everyone), I have been expanding my social circle a bit. It's been pretty tight because I don't trust people much. I have enough issues (see above) and don't really want to burden others. Really I don't want to be that downer that no one wants to talk to. Went to my first singles class at church. Verdict is still out on that one. It was good, just trying to find my spot. Also have been growing a friendship with one of the girls at church that I can see being a real rock and support. She and I have similar backgrounds and opinions on many things. God is doing good and wonderful things, just struggling with getting my feet under me. I haven't lost faith, just walking like everyone else. Faith isn't easy. Believing a God that isn't tangible is the hardest thing to do. But do it I will. He is faithful even when I'm not and even better He understands how hard this is. Deep breath. Time to plunge back into life.

No Good Title

2010-01-19T19:42:00.002-06:00

Don't know that there would be a good title for my post today. Feeling a little blue but that might be just because of a frustrating day. Most things went ok, the standard issues as a mother's day out teacher, but one thing occurred that really set me back. Had the urge to completely throttle some bratty little kid today when I picked up H from school. When H went up to a group of girls she knew from school and other activities to say goodbye, one of the little darlings had the nerve to look H straight in the eye and yell "It's the weirdo!" and run off. Fortunately for the brat, H didn't even pick up on it. Or at least doesn't seem to. Made me so angry. Having been there as a kid, I realize the depth comments like that can go to for someone. Grrrr. Mama bear doesn't like short snotty children. Not much I could do about it as I didn't want to call attention to H in the midst of this. Just makes me angry. This is coupled with a serious question running in my head regarding some info that I revealed to someone. It was intensely personal and needed to be said, but leaving myself open to possible rejection is hard. I trust this person completely, but there is that fear still hanging on in the back of my head. Will they take it the way I feel/mean it? There are times when I would give quite a bit to not be quite so much of an overanalyzer. I can choose not to I guess, but that is harder than it sounds. I have a constant tape running in the background of my mind that isn't bad, but is certainly distracting. Lord, get me through these issues quickly please. Otherwise I may pick myself apart trying to figure it all out. SIGH. Life continues to be an adventure. That mountaintop time is coming, just have to hunker down and hang in there.

reconstruction

2010-01-09T10:33:00.002-06:00

Been under reconstruction for a while now. In more ways than one. The obvious for my oh so loyal blog followers is within. Will get to that in a minute. But for those who don't know my mother is about to undergo kitchen remodel. (Yes, I'm 35 and I live with my parents but enough about that) The kitchen is going to be redone in the next month or therebout-so I am losing my corner and going to have to find another place in the house for my computer and pile o papers that I call my desk. Between the imminent stress of that and helping a friend out periodically who is dealing with having the floors redone in one home and getting another house ready to move renters in, remodel/reconstruction has been on my mind a lot lately. And that leads us to my current mindset. I realize that I am still very much afraid of the "big bad world out there". I don't like this single parent thing. It's hard. And what is pathetic is that I'm not even really doing it alone right now. My folks are a HUGE help and make my life very easy on that front. But I feel very alone. I can call my ex and we can address issues about the kids and all and it's ok. But the thing that makes this so uncomfortable is that I don't do alone well. Not that I have to be with someone every minute but that I feel so unconnected. And all the church groups and activities and friends and family just don't fill that gap. My faith doesn't even completely fill that. I make a choice that God is enough, and I hold to that. I choose to be content right now. Of course that brings up a whole additional thought process of defining contentment. I do choose to be content where I am. But I want more out of life. I miss being married. Not to my ex mind you. I think we got to the point of being toxic for each other. And this may be the best thing that could have happened for the kids. (whole nother post on that one) I miss being a part of something so intimate and close. That unit feeling. I am only quasi independent. I like being my own person but I thrive in knowing that there is a tangible person that I can go to and just "be" with. No pressure, no grand expectations, just "be". God is there and He and I have some looooong talks. But I miss being married. Sharing a bed. You know what I mean? Not only the sexual side, but having a warm body next to you. Hearing that sound of someone breathing inches away and enjoying it. Having evidence of someone else around and sharing an existence. The way I do things the next time around will be different. Learned some lessons and they will most certainly be applied. Just have to continue the reconstruction in the mean time. Praying that we are getting close to the finish work. Ready to finish painting and pull that tape off and sweep the floors that one last time to make it ready. It's getting there.

New Years Eve 2009

2010-01-01T11:26:00.003-06:00

Here we are at the beginning of a new year, new decade etc etc. I am so looking forward to this year. The last 2 have been hard at best. Honestly, 2008 was probably the worst/hardest year of my life. 2009 was much improved and that gives me a huge amount of hope for 2010. Of course the thing that seems to pop out the most to me is that in the midst of the hardest seasons, monumental growth happens. Which is good as I was pretty stagnant in life for a long time. When the choice is either grow or remain stagnant, regardless of how painful that growth/change is, it is always more preferable to the alternative. Stagnation is what breeds death and I don't want to be there.

Taking stock of the year is sort of staggering this year. 2010. Wow. Remember growing up and calculating how old we would be in the year 2000 and finding that to be amazing? 10 years later and I am still in shock. 2010? How on earth did it go by so fast? By now aren't I supposed to have a flying car and a robot maid a la Rosie from the Jetsons? I spent a quiet New Year's Eve with good friends last night and am glad that I did. Couldn't ask for better.

Hmmm what to write....

2009-12-28T08:58:00.002-06:00

As I am sure you have noticed I have taken an extended vacation from my blog. Not that anything exciting has happened of late, just haven't been feeling very bloggy. (is that a word?) Anyway, I want to get back into it as I know it is a very cathartic thing for me. Let's see what is the latest and greatest in my life. Work has changed of late. I am no longer working for an attorney here in town. I understand the need for family law/divorce attorneys but the emotional weight is quite intense. Not the job for everyone. So for those who do it and stay sane-kudos to you. So I am at home for a bit but not completely unemployed. I will start teaching pre-k next week for our church. We have recently opened up a Mother's Day Out program and I was approached to teach the kids in pre-k. Wow! Should be interesting. J will be in my class as well as a couple of other boys that I know from church. I am looking forward to it. It's always really neat to get involved in a project from the early stages to see it grow and expand. I really see this as a jumping off place for our church. We are growing and seeing new programs start up is really a blessing. I am still working as the financial secretary there as well so things will stay busy and I will be at the church a lot in the coming months. In the midst of all this, I am also taking some classes and getting my feet back into doing something productive. Not that I haven't been of late but most of what I have been doing is more on the unseen side I guess. Amazing how God uses us even in the midst of what seems to be unsure ground. I have been a sounding board for a couple of close friends and have blessedly received a sure word from God on bits and pieces of my future. To the point of being able to relax and trust Him on the issue. That is HUGE. I don't do that well with God. Trust Him you say? Are you kidding? This is the girl that (as I have said before) has no issue with believing that God can raise the dead and make dry land appear in the midst of a flight out of a foreign country for thousands of people but struggles to allow God to work in her life. Those miracles are monumental things-my life, well that's relatively insignificant. BUT trust Him I must. And now I do. On the things that He ever so patiently reminded me of. No matter what it looks like, God is in control of my life and I wouldn't have it any other way. Things continue to improve and I am truly grateful for where I am. He has orchestrated things for me that I would never have dreamed. Life will never be the same again and that is good. I do know that I had my taste of suburbia. While I did like it, I don't know that I will ever live that way again. I think that my future will be very different from what I have experienced to date. Not necessarily by my own doing even. We shall see. It's all in His hands now.

Blessed Beyond Measure

2009-09-01T19:20:00.002-05:00

I sit tonight taking stock of life. That and realizing that I have a tendency to only blog when I'm struggling to process things, but for today I will share the good things in life. I have been presented with some really fantastic opportunities of late. I had the chance to visit a movie shoot for the first time ever this past weekend. Really neat! Very much what I expected but incredibly cool. I have always enjoyed seeing the back end of a process and this was no exception. I worked as stagehand help on a couple of musicals in high school and enjoyed it immensely, so this was that same feeling. I have never had any desire to be in front of the camera, but behind it has a great appeal. There is a sense of anticipation that hangs in the air, or at least from the brief view that I had. Would have watched for longer, but certainly didn't want to be in the way. I have also had an interesting proposition brought to my attention that is quite intriguing. Have to really think on this one. What could be with this really exciting. Of course it is contingent on so many other factors, and will have to be completely God orchestrated. But He has never failed to place everything perfectly before, so my only responsibility right now is to trust what He has already laid clear and continue looking to Him. Easy to say, but doing that...let's just say it's a work in progress. Work continues to be a challenge but I have learned so much in the past few months I can't complain too loudly. Not that anyone would listen. ;) My kids are doing really well. H is in 2nd grade and loving it. J is in pre K program and is having a great time. He does think it's "boring" but loves going. When I look at life, I can't help but be so incredibly grateful. God has continued to hold me in the palm of His hand. I have everything I need right now without fail.

Back to the Blog

2009-08-09T20:54:00.002-05:00

Yet again, I have been off my blog. I think it's been hard to put into words how life is going. Some days are pretty good. Others are just rotten. I am currently dealing with a very real sense of inadequacy. In so many areas of my life, I feel that I just can't quite measure up. It's probably normal, but I think between the divorce and restarting my life, I am overwhelmed. Not drowning, yet. Just still trying to reacquaint myself with reality. And in the midst of this trying to be what God has called me out to be. I have been very much convicted that I need to get my finances in order. There is much to be done and if I am tied down by credit cards, I won't be free to do some things that I feel pulled toward. For example, I would love to be able to go on mission trips with the church, but can't if I can't take off due to funding. So needless to say, I am getting the debt down. One little bit at a time. Certainly not easy, but rewarding. Did pay off one of my student loans. One to go and then the credit cards. Little bit at a time. The whole inadequacy thing is really troubling, though. Wonder if this is me or just normal for my circumstances. It seems to be pervasive in most areas of life-parenting, my job, friendships, my faith. That feeling that the bar is just out of reach. To be honest, I am sure that that part of the issue is my self confidence is shot. I am so unsure of things right now. But then, maybe that's a good thing. He is calling me back to trusting Him. Letting go is soooo hard. Especially when I feel like I have to squeeze even tighter to maintain sanity. I have found myself repeatedly throwing my hands in the air and asking for Him to take over. But not because I am piously "releasing my will". It's more due to the fact that I don't want to face it anymore. It would be easier if I could just quit and retreat to my bed and never come out. But I can't. There are so many demands on me. Well, that's not accurate. There aren't that many demands, but the ones that are there are weighty. Nothing that can't be dealt with, it's a matter of prayer and stamina. The funny thing that comes to mind is Dory from Finding Nemo. "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming". Upstream isn't easy, but when I get to wherever it is God is taking me, it will be worth it.

Where I'm Supposed To Be

2009-07-08T20:46:00.003-05:00

So I'm sitting here in the kitchen listening to Rush of Fools and finding myself at peace, even if just for a moment. There are bills to pay, laundry to do, books to read and a litany of other things that need to be done, but all I want to do is let the music wash over me. And for once I don't feel guilty about it. The bonus of spending just a little time in worship. No kids here for now, no one to be responsible for. Something so soothing about just placing myself in His hands and allowing Him to orchestrate my life. Not that I do that easily as you can see from my previous post. I struggle daily with trusting Him. That independent side of me wants to meddle and manipulate. Control the outcome of any given event to my satisfaction. And it takes a sheer act of will to remove my sticky little fingers off. And even then Christ has to come in and ever so gently remove my hands. Trusting Him with my life circumstances is probably the hardest thing for me. Believing that one man, who was fully God and fully man, died for my sins and rose again so that I would have hope and eternal life is easy in comparison. Isn't that odd? Something that fantastic is easy for me to accept, but allowing the God of the universe that raised that same man to order my daily steps is hard. I can't begin to understand how He is going to take this mess of a life that I have and turn it into something beautiful. So many errors, wrong turns and what I see as complete disasters, He takes, uses, and refines. The one thing that I know is that I am daily falling back in love with the God that loves me. Some days are better than others, and my perspective may swing drastically in one day, but above all else, He loves me and pursues me. Why-still haven't figured that out. Not much here that looks pursuable from my view, but He sees something. So will keep plugging. Who knows what tomorrow brings.

What's on your mind?

2009-07-05T16:09:00.002-05:00

I got on facebook for a bit today and the status line made me think. What's on my mind? Everything. There is so much that I want to discuss and hash out but not necessarily verbally. I know that doesn't really make sense. I guess that's one way that my relationship with Christ is growing deeper. I long to talk to Him as an ongoing dialog. The only downside to being a Christian for me is that the one person that I want most to have a "tangible" conversation with is intangible. And there is soooo much I want to talk about. My job, my kids, my parents, my friends, where life is going, my finances, what's coming up next, which way I should go, where my heart is, the list goes on and on. I have a large weight on my shoulders right now and I know that I have probably talked it to death for those that I can talk to about it (cryptic I know) and the ones that I want to discuss it with I can't. Not yet. I find myself second guessing my every move and action, but still knowing that the only way I can be truly committed to anything is throw myself in fully, aware that it will either blossom or die. Yet I still find my heart hesitant. Partly due to timing, and partly due to my own fear. If I fully commit, I could get hurt. But the pull is still there, knowing the potential for pain. I didn't look for this circumstance and yet here it is. I guess that's the hard thing. Keeping my head level and steady in a sea that is anything but. My emotions are pitching all over and I want to find that even keel again. Makes me think of when Jesus walked on water. If you haven't read that lately go back and read it. He almost passed them by. But Peter called out to Him. In the 4th watch of the night, after a long day and longer night He waited for them to be nearly broken and exhausted. They had strained all night against a storm that threatened to take their lives. I have a friend who is in the midst of a storm like I have never seen or even been able to comprehend. Literally hit from every direction-financial, personal, spiritual, physical, you name it. And all I want to do is help, but I can't do much other than listen. It's incredibly humbling when you realize that there is absolutely nothing that you can do. I pray and continue to lay it before God and try to keep my focus on Him and let Him deal with the issues that I can't and probably shouldn't. I tend to muck things up when I stick my fingers in the pot. I know to place all these struggles on His altar is the only good and secure option. He is faithful and is big enough to take care of their struggles as well as mine. Question is-will I trust Him? It's so hard. He doesn't move at the pace that I want, but then my pace would probably leave most of the world in the dust. Well, Lord, I turn it over to you. Again. Do as You will. In Your time. And don't let me drown. The storm is bigger than me, but You are walking through it like a summer evening stroll. Gonna take it one thing at a time.

Day Off

2009-07-03T09:41:00.003-05:00

Here I am on my official day off. I had forgotten how much I love these days, since I haven't been part of the "working" world in so long. Of course the kicker is that I woke up at 6:30 this morning. Just woke up. Grrrrr. I have no kids with me, nothing that absolutely has to be done, and my internal clock is still set to alarm. SIGH. Oh well. Laid in bed for a bit then finally decided to be human and join the rest of the world. But I have enjoyed a lazy morning. Had a couple of cups of coffee and touched up my roots (the reverse skunk thing was beginning to show). The benefit to getting my butt out of bed is that it is only 9:45 and I can still get some stuff done. Sheets need tobe washed and the kids room looks like a tornado hit it. They are with R this month so I can tackle getting rid of the umpteen million happy meal toys and various junk that seems to accumulate with anyone under the age of 10. I am realizing how much I miss them, but at the same time, it is good to have them with Dad for a bit. One of the things that God is teaching me lately has been about how I am not quite as much of a screw up as I think I am. At the moment, I really feel like I have bumbled through some things and seem to keep making the same mistakes. I do realize that I am probably harder on myself than I should be but at the same time, I feel very strongly that there is a standard that I must hold myself to. And to not at least attempt to meet that standard is a failure. Again, I am redefining myself and my environment. All this new stuff in the middle of a very busy life. But then, it would be dull without new thoughts and ideas to mull over. And if it brings about the change that God is looking for in me, all the better. Wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm Bored

2009-06-22T20:08:00.002-05:00

I'm bored. Not that I don't have things to do mind you. I look at my little corner of a desk in the kitchen and am more than a little overwhelmed. Same goes with the giant stack of laundry on my bed. My kids are in their jammies, having played outside and sprayed each other with the water hose for a good hour, and I could (if I were the really good mom) go ahead and put them in bed. But what am I doing? Sitting here piddling on the computer. The worst is that I have no drive what so ever. Is that bad? But then to justify myself, I will be running out in a bit to go get a baby shower gift and run by the office to grab some stuff I forgot to bring home. Not that it won't be there in the morning mind you, but it bugs me that I forgot it. Of course I am sitting here in my oh so lovely attire of a tank top and comfy shorts that I will probably have to change out of to go in public. They are a little on the short side for public consumption.

Now that I have gotten my whine session out of the way-what's new in my world. Not much. Job's still busy. Kids are gearing up for a month at dad's, and I am looking forward to it. I will miss them, but at the same time, a whole month of being quasi unresponsible is nice. Don't have to worry about anyone but me. Not that my plans are all that wild. Probably gonna make an appt to get my hair cut and sleep late on Saturdays. Maybe go out with girlfriends one night. Nothing too intense. Life is good. The kids are doing really well and Rick and I are adjusting to the whole swapping schedule. This whole single thing is really pretty good. God has been opening things up to me of late that have really kept me on my toes, but has never failed to provide anything. Stunning how that happens.

Anyway, I am sure that there is much more that I could write but as time is ticking by, I should probably put short people in bed.

Bigger and Better

2009-06-03T20:24:00.002-05:00

On to bigger and better things right? So I guess I have to ask - what's next? I have no idea. Just enjoying life right now. I realize that I have the freedom now to dabble in things that I find interesting. As most of you know, I have a friend of mine that is promoting a Christian movie "The Imposter". If you haven't received my email on it, let me know. Would love to introduce you to a quality film that won't turn your brain to mush just because it's "Christian". I'm all about my faith, but it has to be a thinking faith. God certainly didn't put fluff in my head and I refuse to accept that when you become a believer that your brain automatically turns off. I find a lot of so called Christian entertainment can do that. (Be prepared, I'm on my soap box). I am not the most intellectual person mind you. But I know that I am relatively intelligent and want to be able to use the gifts that God gave me. And that means continually pushing my thought process. Right now, that involves a lot of study in the Word and intake of Christian speakers and authors, with a heavy dose of Christian music. But not just the light fluffy stuff. My current musical choices are heavier than KLTY, as I feel the hunger for more of real life stuff. More 89.7 for the local folks. Life isn't all chipper and praise music. Sometimes it's storm tossed and dark. My choices for authors and speakers are running along deeper spiritual stuff. John Paul Jackson and Jack Hayford with a dose of Arthur Burke (because my mother discusses him regularly). And frankly, I can't get enough. The only problem is that life interferes with my more esoteric (big dollar word there!) pursuits. Kids need baths and laundry must be done. Oh and that whole working for a living thing. Anyway back to topic...I am truly enjoying my life right now. The real blessing in all this is that I can honestly say I am content. Not that I don't want any change-just that for right now, in this season, life is exactly how it should be. I am good. Still working to improve and still struggling with my own issues, but I can see where I've been and that while I don't see exactly what's ahead, I can see it's going to be better than ever. I have been blessed on this road with so many people. Shoulders that I have needed and leaned on heavily. The funny thing is that God keeps placing new people in about the time He removes the old. Or maybe it's just that I am needing different people so that I can lean on them a different way. Not really sure if that makes sense or not, but that's ok. The whole stream of consciousness writing thing going here. The really neat thing about what I can see Him doing right now is that I can see those that I will have a long relationship with; people that continue to challenge me and push my spiritual growth. And it makes me smile to think of it. He cares that much. He wants me to think, to question and to keep coming to Him to ask for the answers. Good stuff for a Wednesday night.

It's Final

2009-05-17T16:03:00.002-05:00

As in finally done. I am officially single. And to be perfectly honest, I'm pretty happy about it. It seems like this has been a long time in the making, but emotionally I'm really in a good place. Part of this stems from the fact that this is not still raw for me. I have moved from a gaping wound to a pink shiny scar. Still a little tender, but healing nonetheless. (is that a word? have to look that up.) I realize that my life will never be the same, but there are so many good things ahead of me. And there is an almost tangible hope that springs from the thought of the future. Life is good and will be good. Not easy mind you. But then, I really don't want an easy life. Creature comfort is well and good, but being outside of what is "normal" provides so much more of a blessing. God has really orchestrated my life to propel me into things that I would never have taken on alone or even if circumstances had not forced me. And to be honest, growth only comes in being outside of comfort. Stretching, expanding, reevaluating. None of these things are static. What comes to mind is the noise of static. It's only when sound is dynamic that it registers as communication to us, whether by a voice, music, or whatever.

In going back to topic-(if you know me well , you know I happily go off on any given rabbit trail) Rick and I signed the divorce papers on Wednesday and I went to the final hearing on Thursday. It's amazing the relief that has occurred. That chapter in life is wrapped up. I don't have that cloud over my head anymore. And things that didn't seem so stable are more solid now. Doesn't mean that my life will be without stress. Doing the whole single parent thing is going to be a real education. For me and the kids. And I know that just because we are officially divorced that he isn't out of my life. People never seem to stop reminding me of that. I never thought that he would be, even after I made the decision to file. He's just not as involved in MY life. And that's good. Just like I'm not involved in his. We get the chance to do things differently this time around. Just that the roles that we have played for the last 17 years are different now.

I guess the thing to note is that I can close the book on blogging my divorce. No more hashing and rehashing the situation. There is so much more to think about, talk about, analyze. Life is laying out in front of me and I can't help but smile thinking about it. "I can see clearly now - the rain is gone...." Good tune for a good day.

Keep on keepin on

2009-05-08T22:54:00.002-05:00

I realized of late that I have probably lost most if not all of my loyal fans for my blog. Oh well. For those of you who happen to stumble on this, I post. Anyway, life continues to throw curve balls left and right. About the time I think I've gotten my feet underneath me, the rug gets yanked just enough to put me off balance. Yup, there I am, back on my butt again. Not really sure why this keeps happening. I'm guessing that there is something that I have yet to learn. Lots of things come running through my head now, but I am more and more hesitant to post. I have learned this in the past year, you can truly trust so few things in life. I have had several days of questioning even God. Things that I just don't get. Not that I don't believe Him or trust Him. Just that so many things happen that I don't understand. I find myself wishing that I could see the big picture. Just so that I know the things I struggle with are not in vain. That the choices I am faced with have purpose and positive outcome. I want so badly to choose wisely. But when my selections are equal in appearing value, how do I decide? It's more than I really think I can handle. Things are good right now, but again there's the whole feet out from underneath you thing. Had a couple of big blows to life in the past few days and I am trying to bring my spinning head back into focus. Between those and the fact that the divorce is going to be final in less than a week, everything seems off kilter. My biggest concern is that there are so many things that seem to be pulling at me. And staying focused on God and being in prayer are not easy right now. Well, I say that... there are some aspects that are easy to be in prayer about, but others that I struggle daily with. I know that there is a grand plan in all this, but from where I stand, it's awfully dark and lonely. I am learning more about me and who I am. The whole divorce thing being final has some really good and really bad points to it. On the good side, I am much stronger now and feel completely able to take care of my kids and my life. I like who I am and who I am becoming. On the bad side, I miss being married. Not that I want to run back or that I should. We went our seperate ways. Different lives, different needs, different structure. I'm perfectly ok with that. I just miss that companionship, that being known and knowing someone so completely. Not that I am permanently single mind you. I know that my current circumstances will change and the next time around will be better. I have learned how to be a better wife and friend through this. Made some mistakes that won't be repeated and have definately been learned from. Keep praying. I am really hungry to hear God's voice and have a very clear picture of His will for even the smallest of steps right now. I kind feel that He has been muted by my choices and my will of late. Have to change that. My ear is really straining to hear now. And patience is not a strong suit at the moment. Will just have to see what He does and says.

Now that I have completely wandered all over the place I will go. Maybe actually get some sleep for once. Oh yeah except for that giant pile of laundry on the bed. SIGH. Back to reality.

Ok so I'm a little behind.....

2009-04-23T08:13:00.007-05:00

I haven't blogged in so long, so I thought I should post a little something, just to let everyone know I haven't actually fallen off the face of the planet. Life is good. Sweet even. God has done so much for me in such a short amount of time that I am truly dumbfounded. How can a God that big be concerned about me? But He is. And I have His full attention. I realize that the amount of attention that my kids seem to want from me is probably nothing in comparison to what I want from God. Every moment, every breath I want to know I am His. And He never fails to provide. I struggle with the desire to have a physical prescence of Him. As most of you probably know, I am a hugger by nature. The only times I don't is if I think it makes the other person uncomfortable. So that is the hard part. I would give anything to have that tangible event of His arms around me, my head on His shoulder and just breathe in. But ya know, if that is the hardest thing in my life right now, it ain't bad. The job is going well, the kids are great and I have really found a place here. I am beginning to see more of my personality blossom in ways that it hasn't in years. Don't get me wrong. I'm tired. Running on pure adrenaline some days. But life is good. And where I am is not permanent. The divorce will be done by mid May and I can close a chapter in my life. All the characters will still be there, but that part of my life is closed. On to the next new adventure.

03/19/09

2009-03-19T21:34:00.002-05:00

Well, here I am again. Back from a workout-ongoing project from work that really needs to be worked on but have no drive whatsoever to tackle that. So here I am blogging. Have some Billy Joel on the iTunes and just enjoying the afterworkout buzz. The kids are in bed and I have time to think-or not think whichever works better. I have done a lot of driving recently. Whenever I get a few extra minutes out to myself, I go tootle (is that a word?) around and enjoy playing the music I like loud and exploring roads I haven't been on in over a decade. While there is so much here in town that has popped up in the last few years, the best roads for getting away are the same ones that I knew as a teenager. Of course, then I didn't do so much driving around. Or at least alone. Always headed to a friends house or some ongoing thing. It's kind of nice just to get out and drive. Probably too fast, but there is something so incredibly theraputic about allowing the music to be loud and fast and assaulting on your senses and the road to be lonely and twisty as you get away from things. Even that brief retraction from life is healing. I have been really struggling of late to resort priorities. Being in a new place in life is exciting and scary. I am more sure of who I am every day and loving it. I realize that I have molded myself to an image that I thought I "needed" to be. Probably a disservice to those around me, but I thought I was doing the right thing. Oh well. I have been very blessed to have good friends around me who continue to encourage me to step out and not only accept who God created me to be, but enjoy it. What-enjoy the fact that I am quirky and odd? Gawky and graceful at the same time? This sounds like I am building my self up a bit in rereading it. Not that so much as I am finally growing up. Sad that it took this kind of a jarring event in life to do it, but here it is none the less. I know that this may be a little premature, as life is easier since I am living with Mom & Dad, but I am happier now than I have been in a long time. I enjoy being by myself for some periods-before it was somewhat lonely. But that helps to foster my ability to be comfortable with others. I can honestly say that I am in a better place than I have been in a looooong time. No facade-no image to maintain. Just me. And that's good.

03/17/09

2009-03-17T21:49:00.002-05:00

Happy St. Patrick's Day! I completely forgot that it was today til I was out and saw everyone in thier green. Oh well. I survived. Today has been really pretty good. Things are starting to really make sense at the job and I am beginning to grasp the flow of a family law case. The mental and physical exhaustion is a new experience. I am tired! But the good thing is that life continues to move and grow me, so that season of a tired mind and body is only temporary. I went to go work out tonight and had one of the best times I have had in a long time. Good tunes and a lot of sweat is therapy that you just can't buy. I stink to high heaven I'm sure, but I feel sooo much better. Things continue to roll along on the divorce front. We have another meeting scheduled at the end of this month and are looking at getting things finished up. Of course that means that I am faced with the daunting task of moving furniture out and getting that arranged, but it will all come together. Didn't want anyone to think I fell of the planet. Just doing one thing at a time.

100 Things Updated

2009-03-10T21:51:00.005-05:00

About a year ago or so, I did a list of 100 things that make me smile or happy. As life changes so does the list, so in honor of new things, a new list. It's a shorter one, but always expanding.

1. My God that has carried me so far
2. My kids (can't leave them off!)
3. Seeing my own progress in life
4. New friends
5. New opportunities
6. Driving down a dark country road with the windows down
7. Lazy Saturday mornings
8. Anything that I baked that came out right
9. Being able to provide for my family
10. Realizing how much weight I lost
11. The after work out euphoria
12. Seeing my kids learn something new
13. Getting my favorite catalog in the mail
14. Seeing my kids grow
15. Old photos of my family
16. Mexican food
17. Finding old verses in the Bible that speak to me in a new way
18. Hearing my kids say they miss me
19. Long talks at night
20. Getting all the numbers to match!
21. New office supplies
22. True realization that I am not alone
23. A fresh pot of coffee
24. Hearing my kids tell me about thier day
25. Seeing stars at night
26. Learning how to be content with the simplest of things
27. Knowing that I can make it
28. Being outside at night
29. Getting all the filing done
30. Window shopping
31. Peanut butter & jelly sandwiches

I will add to this, but it's good enough for now.

All Things Ponderable

2009-03-08T21:56:00.002-05:00

I feel very bloggy but can't put it into words tonight. Had a really good conversation w/ a friend about lots of topics and realized how blessed I am to have folks like that in my life. There's no judgement, no direction of how to fix something, no advice that is unwarranted, just talking. An occasional interjection of a question that pushes me to think on my own. A gentle probing into my own psyche that forces me to really evaluate my actions and emotions. I need that from time to time. It's way too easy to get wrapped up in what I want to keep on the surface and sometimes we all need that nudge to get underneath that exterior we like to hide behind. I am a terrible navel gazer anyway, but even then, my tendancy is to only evaluate and analyze what I want to, not the whole of me. It's good to be prodded some. I have come so far from my original comfort zone, but I know that even where I am has a comfortable place that can be to easy to take up residence in. The whole growth process that I am in is so different from anything else I have experienced in life. I realize that God is opening doors to me that I have attempted to shut or have pretended didn't exist. I am not really sure where I am on the path to healing in the midst of this divorce, but I know that I am not where I was. There is the whole 5 stages thing that I am going through, but above all else, I know that I will be ok. He has set my feet upon a rock and though the storm may blow all around me, that rock is firm and dry. I think that has been the last year for me. Getting my feet under me so that when the time comes to stand, I can. Without assistance or crutches, I stand. I know that in the last few weeks, I have been called back to a love story that has been forgotten. Before I married, before I "fell in love", there was a call on my life. There is a call for me to always return to Him. Find Him in the midst of the chaos and pain that life throws out. No matter what is brought in or taken away, the call is to find Him. And there is such joy in that. He is my first true love. The One who loved me as is, imperfect, blemished. Whatever blessing my life has in store will come from that fact. He is first should be first and will always be first. Everything else falls into line behind that concrete fact.

I realize that I am probably all over the board tonight. Gotta love that stream of conciousness writing. Hope I haven't lost anyone in the rabbit trails of my brain.

Tired!!

2009-03-05T03:22:00.002-06:00

Well, I started the new job. It's going really well, just trying to get used to the minor chaos of learning a whole new industry. Being in an attorney's office is very educational. I am learning things about people that I would never have guessed. Not necessarily individuals but people as a whole. We do love our lawyers! I think I am really going to enjoy working there. The benefit of working with people that I have known for years is priceless. This is going to be really good!

The only down thing right now is that I am fighting off a cold I think. My voice went out the day I started my new job and is still in and out. Now I have added a stopped up nose and cough. Fun. If this continues much longer, I am gonna loose my mind. I can handle the runny nose and junk in my head, but not having a voice is SOOOOOO frustrating. Especially for one who loves to talk as much as I do. :)

J & H seem to be handleing the changes pretty well. J likes school, he just doesn't like leaving home. My homebody of a boy would much rather be home ALL THE TIME.
Mom: Wanna go to the store?
J: Nope.
Mom: Wanna get ice cream?
J: Nope.
Mom: Wanna do anything?
J: Nope, can we just stay home? I want to play.

Oh my son. H is doing really well, although her life hasn't changed as much. She just doesn't see as much of me as before. And that is hard. I always knew that being a working mom would be a tough job, but I think that it's one of those that until you actually do it, you have no idea. Less than a week in and I am bushed! I am fortunate in that my mom picks up H from school and then gets J from day care so he isn't there all day. They still get some down time at home before dinner gets going and all. And Mom is nice enough to get dinner going for the kids if I am not home, so it's not all chicken nuggets and fries all the time. Being here has it's bonuses! But definate kudos to all those working moms. It's not an easy task.

Well as you can see I am up in the wee hours as I haven't been able to sleep, but think I might be able to crash for a bit before the alarm goes off in a couple of hours.

Will post more soon.

Finally!!!

2009-02-27T08:19:00.002-06:00

I

HAVE

A

JOB!!!!

Yea!!!!!!! I got word yesterday that it was official-I am now gainfully employed. It's for an attorney here in town so my commute is about 5 to 10 minutes. I got J registered for a really good daycare here at one of the local churches and all begins on Monday. So for today I am reveling in my last day of taking H to school in my jammies and houseshoes and just enjoying the moment. It's kind of funny, while I feel this huge weight off my shoulders now that I am a "responsible" adult, I came to the realization that this is real! My life is moving on and up. I am really excited as this provides me with that foot in the door kind of thing. This is a position that I can learn so much from and will be perfect for me while the kids are still small. It is a small office-the attorney, the paralegal and me. But there is a lot of flexibility in the hours and as I said the commute is nothing. I can easily go have lunch with H at her school or be free to attend a school party. And having Mom right here is great since she will pick up H from school and J from daycare so they don't have to be out all day. I couldn't ask for a better set up, especially since I know how hard this is for other single moms. I have been very blessed to be in a circumstance that I have family right here to help out. Not having to put H in after school care saves me around $200 a month. In the summer of course it will be much more expensive, but R will have the kids for a full month in the summer so I can always figure that in. I am just so incredibly blessed to be where I am. GOD IS GOOD!

02/23/09

2009-02-23T14:14:00.003-06:00

I am running out of ideas for post titles. Bear with me for a while. Eventually the witty side will come back.

I went back and reread several of my old posts and realized that I can actually write! Not publishable mind you, but definately readable. Maybe it's the fact that I am a terrible navel gazer. I can't really pick anyone else's brain apart so I play with my own. (that sounds kind of icky) Anyway, in this bizarre bit of self awareness, I also figured out that my best work if you can call it that is what comes out of my emotional reaction to personal situation. And the best thing is that I'm proud of it. I will never be a Hemingway or Austen or any of the great authors, but I am impressed that I can do it. Someone told me recently that reading my blog is like reading my diary. And that didn't bother me. I hope that it doesn't make others uncomfortable, because that is the last thing I would want, but this is who I am. Warts and all. I actually enjoy being able to show who I am in a relatively safe place. We get so wrapped up in being hidden. Keeping our lives "personal". Not that there isn't a time and place for that, because we all need that element of seculsion from the world and the busyness. But this forum, for me, is my way to show the people that I know and love as well as those that don't know me, who I am, what I stand for and my struggles. I am not, nor will I ever be, perfect. And have been known to blow it in a major way upon occasion. But more than that, if I don't show the world my wounds and scars, how can anyone actually see what it means to be a follower of Christ? He didn't call us to be perfect. He called us to strive for Him. I have been wounded and damaged by life. I have also been healed and repaired by my God. And all of it is ongoing, the wounding and the healing. There have been days that I wanted to give up. Quit completely. Death seemed a better end than what I was feeling. But in that darkest of moments that quiet voice came in and whispered- "You are worth more to Me than life itself, don't quit now. You don't want to miss what will be." And I can take one more breath. One more step. Being a follower doesn't mean that life is all going to be ok. It aint. But it will be life worth living. If I hadn't dealt with the things that I look at in my past, I wouldn't be where I am now. And it's possible that I would miss out on the blessings that I have now. I am stronger now than I have ever been. A long way from that painfully shy frightened girl from Oklahoma. (no Okie bashing, now!) I can meet new people, do new things and get outside of my protected little box. I will probably make a couple of missteps, but it's ok. God has placed so many people in my life that will be there to catch me and dust me off. And ultimately, He will NEVER leave me or foresake me. EVER. I believe that with my entire being. Do I have some major trust issues, yes. But it doesn't have to all be hammered out today. One thing at a time. For those who don't know me, I can remember not saying anything to anyone for days at school because I was deathly afraid of rejection. No one could reject me if I didn't put myself out there. Now I know that there are some who have and will reject me. Not that it's thier loss, but it's certainly not my problem. (Of course I am sure that this sounds like I have this towering ego) I do know that I have so far to go. Some of my wounds won't be healed for a long time, if ever. And some of them will be bandaged up and healed before I know it. And the method of that healing may take place in the weirdest places. One day, one step, one moment, one breath at a time. Wanna come along for the ride? It's never dull. :)

Yes this is the exact way I think-in the brain out the mouth (or keyboard as it is)

Hmmmmm

2009-02-22T20:35:00.002-06:00

Lots of things to think about this week. I got involved in a bible study group at church that focuses on divorce and healing from it and have been able to have some really good discussions out of it. Not only about what's going on for me, but where my faith stands, what are my future plans and where I want to go from here. I have really felt of late that I am hanging on to my faith by sheer will alone. Due in a large part because, being human, I can't see the big picture. I can only see what has happened in the past, but not what is happening in the future or sometimes even in the present. And for me, that is frustration of the ultimate degree. Namely because I am a terrible busybody. I want to know everything so that I can control the outcome. Well guess what. I can't. What I know that I can do is stay faithful to Him and His will. Keep praying, make a concerted effort to be in the word daily. That is the only way to know what He has planned for me. It's that whole open dialog thing. If we only tell God what we want and/or need we don't hear what He has to say. And I have been terribly guilty of that lately. He has managed to break through my whining and put some really important verses in front of me. Making that effort to be reading daily is going to be another act of will. Something always seems to come up. I know that I want to hear His voice more than anything, but if I make a choice to do other things, I can't. God will wait to speak until I am ready to listen. That means it's up to me to be involved. Ouch. You mean You won't just zap me into perfect obedience, Lord? A lack of free will would be so much easier at times. But then that's where the resulting joy comes in. If I choose to listen and seek Him out, the reward and blessing will be sweeter than if it all just happens.

Life continues to improve, just bit by bit some days. Possible good things on the job front, but will have to wait to see.

I know that He has given me the opportunity to be that little girl for a while and crawl in His lap and just be. I need that now, if only for a brief moment. He has it all under control.

Completely Out of Touch

2009-02-16T15:32:00.002-06:00

I realized that I have been so completely out of the computer habit of late. Gotta get better at staying in touch with everyone whether by blog or facebook or email. So if you have emailed me & I haven't gotten back with you, never fear. I'm just behind. Ah the story of my life. Not much has changed on our front here. Still looking for a job, still praying. I am learning a lot though. There have been several people that God has put in my path of late that have walked where I'm walking and come out the other side whole and healthy. And in talking with them, I realize that it's ok to have great days flanked by really crummy ones. I am healing. Remarkably well in fact. I have also realized that God is really dealing with me on the pride issues. I have to really let go of some things and "let God". And that is hard. I want to control some things in my life that I absolutely must release. Of course the worst thing is that as I sit and type, my brain goes completely blank and I can't remember exactly what all of those things are (go figure). I do know though that in order for me to grow into the person that I should be, I have to hold to Him tighter than I have ever, simply because the road that is laid out in front of me is the unknown and not always easy.

On a less random note or maybe more so, I have also come to the conclusion that I can't blog well for a while. Partly due to the fact that while my computer is in the kitchen, I can't be alone long enough to have a complete thought uninterrupted. That and every couple of minutes or so I have to remind my son to TAKE HIS HANDS OUT OF HIS PANTS. I probably say that in my sleep now. What is it with little boys?? SIGH. Eventually, when life is a little more routine and my brain has come back, I will be able to put all the thoughts that ping around my head together in understandable format.

Anyway, hope that I haven't lost everyone permanently. I will return and will have much to share.

Thoughts on life

2009-01-15T12:34:00.003-06:00

I am a huge tangle of emotions today. Probably because I'm all hormonal but then that's life.

Anyway, I have this overwhelming desire to do something but at the same time to do the exact opposite, not do it and run far from the circumstance. Some how I think the right answer lies somewhere in the middle. I could ask for opinions, but I don't know if I would even follow through on that. What I do know is that I must think things through and not fall victim to fear. I have learned and relearned that. Fear is probably one of the hardest things to kick. It's so easy to allow yourself to slide into that comfortable place of reaction rather than action. And that's all fear is anyway-reaction. You don't act because it pulls you out of you comfort zone. Action is the opposite of fear. It causes change. It causes life to be viewed from a dynamic view rather than static. This race isn't over for me by a long shot, but I know that the more that I take an active role in, the more that fear can't hold me back. My biggest fears (as I have ruminated before) are being alone and having people think bad of me. But the things that I am learning have pulled me in a different direction. Being alone will give me the opportunity to grow more into myself. Who I am meant to be. Less of the person that is merely fulfilling expectation. And as to what people think of me-those that truly love me and want the best for me will accept me for all of me, faults dreams, desires and plans and while they may or may not agree they will be there to cheer me on. I can't worry about what opinions others have. I have found myself worried about people that only know me by aquaintance or by mention of me in conversation-what their opinion is of me. Really? Is that important in the grand scheme? No. It's funny because even in the move, I have found people who like me for me. Not because of my associations or what I look like or what I wear even (because that has been a biggie for me), but because they - like - me. Which in my head brings this back to faith. I serve a God that includes no fear. There is no unknown or alone with Him. There is only one opinion that matters and He has already said that He loves me even if I completely torch the situation. I can't undo that. I can disappoint Him, but He won't change that He will always take me back in if I am willing to listen to Him. He will wait until I am ready to listen too. Wow. No matter my faults, my bad breath, my poor fashion choices or royal mistakes in life, He loves me. Me. Who without Him has little to offer. But with Him, I can change my life, and the lives of those around me. For some it's not in a huge way, a kind word to a store clerk, for others, (like my kids) I have an impact that is forming thier concept of what love is and means. And even knowing Christ and trying to do what He asks, I blow it. And the only thing He does is pick me up, hug me, dust me off and says "Try again". Wow.

I am still afraid. But it will not keep me immobile. There is no unknown in Him. He knows. Even if I don't and all seems lost. There will always be people who don't agree with me, who don't like me or respect me. And that is ok. Who I am is not tied to them. It's tied to my God. Who allowed Himself to be crucified so that I wouldn't be. My actions may not always be as honorable as they should. I think that's a daily battle for me. But it's a battle that can be won. Minute by minute, sometime second by second. And knowing that some days, I will lose more ground than I take, but that's ok. The only thing that He asks of me is to listen to Him and try again. Here goes another shot.

Ok so I'm a little behind

2009-01-09T16:33:00.002-06:00

I know I have been absent for a bit again. Life moves quickly and before you know it, weeks have flown by and I haven't gotten half of the stuff done that I intended. Oh well. Hannah started school on Tuesday and we have been off to the races this week. Some things have improved since we have a more regular schedule, but I am really looking forward to getting a job just to have some rhythm and regularity to my life. (I just reread that and realize how much that sounded like an ad for a laxative. GEEZ.) Nothing has popped up in the way of a job so I am still waiting. Time to kick the job hunt into high gear. Have a couple of leads but must act on them to move things along. That and next week is a humdinger as far as Mom & Dad go. Multiple doctor appts and Dad is having a minor surgery (is any surgery really minor?) as well as me trying desperately to get out year end statements for the part time job with the church. Whew! To top it off, I have a very slow internet connection here at the house. Not that I don't appreciate it mind you. Just having to readjust to slower than fios. Never thought that something like that would be one of the things that I miss the most. Anyway, things continue to improve and move along. Keep praying for the job. God will provide, just have to be faithful to Him in the midst of all this. That I think is the hardest thing to do.

Ha Ha Ha! I convinced her!

2008-12-29T20:49:00.002-06:00

I have a new blog on my blog list. Mom decided to give the whole blogging thing a whirl. Check it out so she has some hits on her counter. (She thinks that no one will want to read her blog-HA!)

She's quirky and odd, but always has something to make you think. And she's my mom. So now you can see where my strange comments come from! Love you Mom!!

Life Continues

2008-12-29T20:36:00.002-06:00

Well, the kids & I got all moved. Sort of. Most of the furniture that I want is still at Rick's, but most of the personal stuff is moved. Moving is such a headache! I think the worst is not knowing where I put something. I am the queen of putting something somewhere thinking "Oh I will remember where I put this because..." and then when looking for said item wondering why I put it there. SIGH. I remember putting some things in boxes and but then trying to remember which box is always the treasure hunt. I do have to say that movers are the way to go. Not even so much the movers, but the packers. Everything is packed neatly and tightly and exactly where it should be. I was just so spoiled by our last two moves. Oh well. H starts school in a week and I think it will be fun. It is a uniform dress code, so that takes away a little of the headache in the mornings. Not quite so much to choose from. But I think she will have a good time. She has always been a good student and makes friends really well, so once she gets going, she will be fine. J is 4. There isn't much to add to that, as those of you who have 4 yr old boys know. Lots of yelling and running around. By the same token, this age is so much fun! Nothing like a 4 yr old to brighten my day. Anyway things are rolling right along. Still on the job hunt, but something will come about soon. Just have to take it one day at a time.

Keeping Everyone Updated

2008-12-15T08:23:00.002-06:00

I am sure that you have noticed that my blog has been vacant of very personal events of late. Without going into detail I felt that I should let folks know about our current situation. Rick and I have come to the decision (after many months of discussion and thought) that we will be divorcing. This has not been made lightly or without a great deal of concern. Just that we can't live together and be the parents that our kids need. We tried counseling and I will probably get some for me later as I know that there are things that I will want to discuss and work out, but that needs to be in a healthy constructive manner. The kids and I will be moving to Burleson as my folks and his mom and her husband live there. Having grandparents close will be a really good thing for the kids as it gives them a chance to develop a deep relationship with them that isn't as easy when you live farther apart. I filed for divorce on this past Friday and will be moving to Burleson on Saturday. Rick is being very decent about this and is making sure that I have almost everything I need to set up a house. There are a few things that I will have to get or he will have to get. I will have to get a fridge and microwave, but he will have to get a new washer/dryer etc. This is emotionally hard, but I think that we are both handling it pretty well. My biggest concern is that the kids understand that Mommy and Daddy both love them and will be there for them whatever, whenever. And while this is still kind of raw and painful to separate Rick and my relationship, I can see that this will be a better thing in the long run. My ultimate goal is to see all of us - the kids, Rick and I - healthy and successful.

For now I will be moving only personal items (clothes, toys, toiletries etc.) as I am still on the job hunt for something in south FW/Burleson. Once I have a job then I will be actively looking for a more permanent housing option. At the moment the kids and I will be living with my folks. Be praying for the right job to open up quickly as I would really like to have a place of my own soon. Not that Mom and Dad's isn't a blessing, but I don't want to be a drain on them for too long. They have been very supportive and I am so grateful for that, but I don't want to take advantage of them.

Keep praying. God has been very faithful in the midst of all this. I know that He has a plan in all this for us and that it will be good. It's just hard to see it from the inside out.

Yuck

2008-12-13T16:39:00.004-06:00

Don't know what bugs are floating around town, but some of them have seemed to converge on our house this week. On Thursday night Hannah came down with a 24 hour stomach virus that kept her from keeping anything down. Like zippo. Everything came back up with in 30 minutes. But that has seemed to subside. She is now eating and drinking again, not her normal bubbly self mind you, but she is on the upswing. The thing is that in the midst of doing the whole mom thing and taking care of her, I managed to come down with strep. Fun. I should be non contagious by tonight (24 hours of antibiotics and all) I am really praying that Josh and Rick don't catch this. I have never had strep before so this is a new experience for me. I have a new appreciation for all the poor kids who seem to come down with it every year. No fun. However the bright spot in this is THANK GOD for antibiotics and a steroid shot! Those two things alone made me feel SOOO much better. I will probably head out for small group in the morning, but won't do service. The kids will probably just stay home with Rick so I don't have to mess with getting them to church and home and all. I am feeling a lot better, but it doesn't take much to wear me out. Hope you can dodge this cause it's no fun!

Morning Grumbleings

2008-12-06T07:42:00.002-06:00

So I'm sleeping ever so peacefully this morning. Forgot to turn off my alarm yesterday so it went off this morning. No biggie, turn it off and go back to sleep. However, much to my chagrin-my youngest decided to not only get up at 6:15 this morning but also to wake up his sister. Both of them come in my room and tell me that they are cold. Ok ok. So I do the dutiful mom thing and let them get in bed with me. No sooner are they snuggled down (and putting thier icy cold feet on my warm legs) but they are hungry. And need to pee. And want a toy. SIGH. At this point there is no point in attempting to go back to sleep. I have been pummelled and sneezed on and coughed on and had the covers stolen from me. SIGH. I love my children I really do. The justice is that one day, ONE DAY, they too will have the joys of short people WHO WON'T LET MOMMY SLEEP IN. And the truly sad thing is that they are now both quietly watching tv. Fed and warm. And it's too late for me. Oh well.

The day is here - might as well enjoy it.

One Word

2008-11-15T07:43:00.004-06:00

Just because I love these silly things so much...

Saw this on Amanda's blog. Answer the questions in one word. Fun for a cold Saturday morning!

Where is your mobile phone? Nightstand
Your hair color? Blonde
Your mother? Chatty
Your father? Thinker
Your favourite thing? Sleep
Your dream last night? Didn't
Your dream goal? Travel
The room you're in? Office
Your hobby (hobbies)? Crochet
Your fear? Alone
Where do you want to be in 6 years? Home
Where were you last night? Home
What you're not? Indecisive
One of your wish-list items? Toothbrush ***
Where you grew up? Oklahoma
The last thing you did? Ate
What are you wearing? Sweats
Your TV? On
Your pet? Non existent
Your computer? Desktop
Your mood? Anxious
Missing someone? Yup
Your car? VW
Something you're not wearing? Socks
Favorite shop? King Arthur Flour (I know I know, it's 3 words)
Your summer? Gone
Love someone? Yup
Your favourite colour? Blue
When was the last time you laughed? Awhile
When was the last time you cried? Thursday

***Update: I realized that the toothbrush thing was probably pretty weird. Especially when the next line is Oklahoma. Bad combo... Anyway, I want one of the fancy sonic care toothbrushes. Probably won't buy one soon, but I think they are really neat. Now I don't feel quite so redneck.

6 Photo Tag

2008-10-30T21:47:00.004-05:00

Ok so I saw this on lots of people's blog so I thought I would give it a whirl. That and I wanted to let everyone know I haven't officially fallen off the face of the planet!

For those who haven't seen or heard: you go to your photo file and pull the 6th folder and then the 6th pic in said file and fill in the details. So if you are up for it-Tag!

This was taken at the Christmas parade last year. The kids and I walked over by the high school with some friends from the neighborhood and got a prime spot to see the end of the parade. The weather was cloudy but warm for December and we couldn't have asked for better.

I hab a code.

2008-10-13T08:28:00.002-05:00

Well, my yearly cold has decended. About once a year I catch a humdinger of a cold. yea for me. I have the full on yuckies. Stuffed up nose, feel like my head is packed in cotton, you know the routine. The good thing is that I was able to do absolutely nothing yesterday. I laid on the couch and vegged. Still feel yucky today, but I think I am improving. Just want to get over this and get on with life. If my nose will stop dripping, I can actually get a few things done. I am glad, though that I have been able to sleep pretty soundly. I wake up during the night, but have been able to get back to sleep pretty well. I think today and tomorrow I will do as little as possible and recover asap. The nice thing is that this should be it. I usually only do this once a year, so I am hoping to be cold free for the rest of the year. I have broken out the Lysol and hand sanitizer so maybe we can keep everyone else from it! So if I fall off the radar for a bit, that's why. Will be back to the land of normal after I stop blowing my nose every few minutes.

Struggles

2008-10-07T09:06:00.003-05:00

I hate this. I am in the darkest place I have ever been. And the worst thing is that I feel like I have no control over my life. I realize that isn't really true, but I feel that way. I know that I am angry. I am bitter. I am hurt. I am sad. And getting over that isn't going to be easy. It's not that I'm not happy or content on the surface, but there is that undercurrent that lingers. Getting over and through that undercurrent, though, has to be done, must be done, because no one can be healthy and live in that place. I think that my biggest struggle has been and continues to be that I have made a choice to believe in a God that has my best interests at heart, but right now, in the middle of where I am, that is a hard thing to hold on to. I will continue to believe and my faith will stay, because I know that it is right. But it doesn't make it easy. I can't always be happy and chipper. My Pollyanna self is harder and harder to find. I find myself slipping into a depression that frightens me. My children see it and I know that I can't hide it from them. Hannah is such a strong girl. She knows that Mom isn't quite ok and she tries to pick up when I can't and help. Josh is my sensitive one. He knows that I am struggleing and wants to be the one to sit and comfort me. I have amazing children. They are a big part of my choice to not allow myself to slide into that pit. It's a daily battle to keep moving and stay positive and not allow myself to get into that pattern of self destruction. I can say that I am doing that, and I am proud of myself. I want so much for the life that has been planned for me. I am not a romantic. Hearts and flowers are nice, but everyday life is much better when lived in reality. Reality is harsh but has substance that romance doesn't. I have learned a lot about love in the past year. It's the hardest thing to do. Because at the moment you want to turn around and run the other way, you have to choose to stay where you are and get through the storm. And it's scary. There are few guarantees in this life. The one that I know I can hold to, even when I don't understand, is that there is a God that loves me so much that He was willing to die to save me, and give me a chance to see the true beauty of love. So many people have asked what they can do for me. Pray for me. Not even for my situation, really. That will be taken care of. I know that I have to get my heart right before I can have any hope of repairing circumstances. Because I do believe that there is a God who knows the future and has laid out a life for me that I can't even begin to fathom, if I will listen and follow Him.

I hope everyone who reads this doesn't think that I am falling off the deep end. Part of blogging for me is that I put down things "on paper" so to speak and it's no longer hanging around in my head. I almost always feel better after doing this. Also, I know that there are others who struggle with things and if I am not transparent enough to say what I struggle with, I can't be a light that shows how God can work. He will. I know this. What I don't know is what the immediate future holds. I know what I want and the life I long for, but I know some of that isn't up to me. We all have our own choices to make. And that the weight of each choice is serious. Some of our choices are minor, and some color our lives for eternity. Those are the ones not to be made lightly or quickly.

Now that I have wandered through my deep philosophical side, I will go and do something rather frivolous. I think I need a bon bon.

Poem

2008-09-30T10:31:00.002-05:00

When God wants to drill a man
and thrill a man
and skill a man,
to play the noblest part.
When He yearns with all His heart
to create so bold a man
that the entire world will be amazed.
Watch His methods,
watch His ways.
How He ruthlessly perfects
whom He royally elects.
How He hammers him
and hurts him
with mighty blows converts him
into trial shapes of clay
which only God understands.
How He bends but never breaks
those whose good He undertakes.
How He uses what He chooses
and with every purpose fuses him,
to act and by every act induces him
to try His splendor out.
God knows what he's about.
--Henry Lyte

Things to ponder.....

I'm Channeling My Mother

2008-09-11T09:56:00.003-05:00

So I think I have officially started channeling my mother. The kids had been playing on the DS recently (brand spankin new DS) and managed to "lose" one of the games for it. Didn't seem to care about that. So in true mom form-I went on the hunt for said game meanwhile ranting "Don't you know that these games are expensive? You can't just lose it and expect me to buy another one!" Etc. Etc. You know, the same rant that every mother since the dawn of time has had. It's funny because I can vividly remember my mother going on in the same fashion about some other random item. And I can also remember not thinking that it was any big deal. After all we can just run to the store and get another one right? Ah parenthood......

We did find the game by the way. Under the couch. Along with the other asundry items that mysteriously disappear in our home. Now I know why Mom has that twitch and mumbles under her breath.

Tagged...

2008-09-09T15:17:00.002-05:00

I copied this tag from my friend, Randi. Since I haven't blogged in a while, thought this would be a good way to sort of get back into the swing of things.

I am: a wife, mom, sister, daughter, friend, chauffeur, referee, cook, maid, personal secretary, pretty much you name it-
I think: I need to blog more often
I know: that this season of my life is temporary
I want: to take a nap
I have: more friends than I could have ever imagined
I wish: that I could make someone's life easier
I hate: that I seem to make the same mistakes over and over
I miss: the times when Rick and I really connected
I fear: being alone
I feel: exhausted
I hear: my kids playing on the DS and fighting over it
I smell: my wet hair (got caught in the rain-blech!)
I crave: a cinnabon cinnamon roll
I search: for random toys before bed (usually with a teary eyed 4 yr old)
I wonder: what the future holds for me
I regret: poor choices in my past
I love: my husband & my kids, even when it's not easy
I ache: for those who are going to walk in the same place I am
I care about: other people's feelings
I always: end up buying more junk at the grocery store than I planned.
I am not: as nice as some people think I am
I believe: that Jesus is the one and only way
I dance: when I think no one but the kids are around
I sing: a lot, but not well
I don't always: say the right thing. Most of the time my foot is in my mouth.
I fight: when my buttons get pushed
I write: not enough, as it is emotional for me. Like everything else in my life. Geeez.
I win: rarely
I lose: everything. If my head weren't attached, I'd lose that too.
I never: want to forget where I come from.
I confuse: most people. I'm a little odd.
I listen: occasionally
I can usually be found: at home. Or Target. Or Walmart.
I am scared: of losing the people that I love the most
I need: to feel loved by those I love
I am happy about: a return to routine.

You're tagged!

Piddling around and other thoughts

2008-08-17T08:08:00.008-05:00

Haven't done much of late but thought I should probably blog something. Actually the only thing we have done much of is watch the greatness that is Michael Phelps. But then we are in the exact spot of everyone else in the US and probably the world right now. Let's see news in my tiny corner of the globe....

1. My butt is healing nicely thank you. I can sit and drive again comfortably so we are doing ok. It has now gone to the lovely shades of purple, blue, yellow and a sick green color. Fun! No more flip flops on the stairs. Don't have enough skill for that.

2. I did choose a new plan. And after much deliberation......(drumroll......)

I went with Sprint and a pink Palm Centro. (free no less) LOVE IT! I can check email, go online, blog, text, the whole nine yards. And it's still cheaper than what we were paying. Yeah for us!

3. Note the new duds for my goose-courtesy of Kim VanderHoek. THANKS KIM!!!

4. Have finally finished school supply shopping. Can't wait to buy a wrap pack next year. Had to go to Teachers Tools down in Lewisville to find the last little bit, but we are now ready!

New backpack, lunch box and a ridiculous amount of stuff to bring on the first day. My baby girl is a 1st grader!!! sniff sniff. I am sure that there will be more posts on that soon. Of course at the moment, Hannah is much like her dad and would sleep til 10 or so if I would let her.

Last day of sleeping in as we have to get back into rhythm again so I guess it's ok today.

5. Rick-Ah the topic on so many people's mind-He's doing remarkably well. The wires come off tomorrow at 3:00! Yea for real food! Probably gonna be on a limited diet for a few days until he can get used to eating again, but as soon as he is ready-we are going to Babe's!!!

The pic isn't that good, as I can't figure out how to pull it off the disc the hospital gave us, but this is a CT scan of his lower face. Note all the metal screws as well as the multiple plates! No more MRIs for Rick (might stick to the ceiling)! But this does give you some idea of what kind of hardware is in his face. The wires on his teeth are going to come off of course, but everything else will stay.

We have also begun to recieve the bills for his treatment. Let me just say regardless of the headache of dealing with insurance-THANK GOD for insurance. I haven't recieved all the bills yet and we are looking at approximately $200,000 so far. Yes there are 5 zeros on that number. Apparently his medical care was expensive-go figure.

Those are the headlines for my world.....

Ouch!!!!

2008-08-12T05:43:00.003-05:00

Ok-so apparently I needed some attention too. I fell down the stairs yesterday. Not gracefully either. I have a bruise on my butt the size of a softball. It's swollen. Sitting hurts. Lying down on my back hurts. I was on the phone with the insurance company discussing whether or not there was anything for Rick to trip or fall over in the house as I was coming down the stairs. Nice move. Note to self-I need to ditch the flip flops on the stairs. The good thing (sort of) is that Rick asked if I was ok first, and then tried to laugh. Of course he realized that he can't do that as his mouth is wired shut and it kind of hurt to try. Serves him right.... I can't sit for any longer now. Owie....

Cell phone question

2008-08-09T09:15:00.002-05:00

Just a thought-my plan with Verizon is up on the 14th. Any recommendations? Gonna have to get a new phone and was thinking about the palm centro (pink if I can get it) since it has the full keyboard but am torn between that and and a blackberry. Thoughts? Who do you use and do you like them? Gonna have to get a individual plan since Rick's phone is through the office. Hmmmm. Things to ponder on a Saturday......

Improving

2008-08-09T09:03:00.002-05:00

Ok thought I should post so that not everyone thinks that I am still sobbing my way through cyberspace. Things are better here on the home front. He actually pulled the whole "my hands are cold can I warm them up under your shirt" routine. I am sure that I am not the only woman who has been subject to that from thier hubby. Yep girls they are still twelve. Always have been always will be. We haven't really been doing a whole lot round here. With the restrictions on his neck he is not able to do much, and then the whole double vision thing really throws him off. Movies would be great, but he can't really see the screen well for very long and he is very uncomfortable in public. With the glasses, collar and not being able to talk like normal, I think he feels that he sticks out. It's really not so bad, but we all know how it feels to think you don't look like everyone else. It's ok though. We will definately get the wires off on the 18th and then he goes in on the 28th for an evaluation on his neck. Now if we can just work on the insurance company to get everyone on the same page we will be set! SIGH. Don't think that will actually happen, but we can always hope.

Well, I have now made a few posts for those who say they don't have new reading material. (you know who you are!!!)

Figureing Out My Head

2008-08-04T04:02:00.002-05:00

Here it is 4:00 in the morning. Been up since 1:30. Sleep would be really nice. Still dealing with all the aftermath of the affair and the wreck. I'm not going anywhere, and I don't think he is either, but I still have a lot of crap to sift through. I guess the big question is why. Why did he go so far initially? Why didn't he talk to me? Why did God allow us to deal with this? And now that he is home, every time I get some part of him that is rational and a flash of the old Rick I know I want answers. Part of me doesn't want to be in this house. She has been here. In my bed. On my couch. Ugh. And then to top it all off, I have lost that charismatic rational charming Rick. I know that part of this accident is on his shoulders as well, but I find myself blaming her. If she had just left him alone when he said done. But that just isn't possible for her. Gotta get that one more contact in. One more email, one more text, one more phone message. Keep him off base just a little. She played him like a violin and he fell for it every time. Now he and I pay for it. Not her. She goes back to normal life. Back to work, back to her sister and family. Meanwhile I live in stress and semi chaos. I don't have 2 kids and a husband. I have 3 people who seem to need constant attention. I lost that support from within my home. Even when things were bad between Rick and I, he supported me with the kids and was a good father. He can't really be that now. She took that away too. Not just what she did to our relationship but she robbed my kids of a part of their dad. For her own enjoyment. Because it's all about self. I would love to be selfish just for a bit. The most selfish thing I did today-bought an extra package of coffee that only I would like. And it's not that I am only living for other people-I would love to do a little something for me, but what it takes is something that I don't necessarily have. Time. Energy. People have been so kind. Given above and beyond just to let us know how much they care and want to help. And I am so grateful. But I know that real life has to take place. The kids have been bounced around so much lately. Josh is such a homebody and really needs to be in his own space. Hannah needs Mom. The consistency and normalcy of having parents around. Not that anyone hasn't been excellent for my kids. I just see more discipline problems arising from both and know it's because they are stressed too and need to be home for a while. But home ain't the same anymore. Right now, it's all about Rick. What he needs and how to arrange for that. And if he could, he would do it all himself. But he can't right now. So I am the designated hitter. Not that I'm complaining mind you, it's just the circumstances around his injury make life harder. I know that things have a good chance of improving, but living in the moment is hard. I'm tired emotionally and physically. Don't know how much more I can deal with. Well, Lord bring it on! I am so aware that it ain't me that handles this. It's all You. I'm done with trying to deal. My capacity for this stress ran out a long time ago. I'm hiding in the corner of my head while You come in and run the show. I'm really ready for the finale though. Or at least to get a glimpse of what it is. It's awful dark right now and I could really use some light.

Back to the New Normal

2008-08-03T07:42:00.002-05:00

Life is returning to normal. Just being home makes a HUGE difference. I still have more concerns than I have ever had, but having all of my family in the same house at once is a bigger blessing than I could have ever imagined. I woke up this morning realizeing how blessed we are that we are all here and life is pretty good. My emotions are still flying all over the place, but I think that I am more even keel than I have been in the past. (That & my period is finally over-this week has really put me over the edge) Don't know if I have any male readers-if I do hope that didn't weird you out too much. I am still working on my end of dealing with all the crap from before his accident. We are most definately a couple again, but I have to process some of this completely solo because he simply can't right now. Frustrating, but not impossible. He acknowleges that he needs my help and loves me, but we are still in that place where I am more his caretaker than his wife. Time is the only thing that will rectify that. His brain has to heal to a level that will allow him to get back to that kind of relationship. SIGH. We will get there. Just gonna take some time.

Ahhhhh Home

2008-07-30T16:17:00.003-05:00

We are home. Huge sigh of relief. Rick is dozing on the couch and I am finally feeling peaceful. For the moment anyway. We will have lots to deal with soon enough but for now-life is good.

HE'S COMING HOME!!!!

2008-07-29T19:42:00.002-05:00

So I'm a little behind in blogging. (Thanks Hol!) But since I know that 99% of my fan base (that's a funny thought-I have a fan base!) also reads the caring bridge site I wasn't too concerned. So rather than force my kids to come upstairs and take a bath that will involve screaming and me probably getting wet, I will blog on both sites!

HE COMES HOME TOMORROW! Yes, I am shouting. Rick will be released from the hospital tomorrow at 10 am. We are going to have a home health group come in for a couple of weeks to do some rehab here at the house, and then he will go to daily rehab for about 4 weeks or so. Hopefully that will cover everything for him and get him back to work and back into normal life. The only hard thing is that he officially can't drive for 6 months. Hmmmm. Have to see about that. The whole going back to work in Richardson thing. Anyway, for the moment life is good! We have money in the bank (for the moment), food in the fridge (thanks DeDe and all the folks who have provided dinner thus far) and my husband is homeward bound! Can't ask for better. I am so incredibly blessed to be where I am right now. God has really done an amazing work in my life and I am eternally grateful. I will probably blog more on my state of mind, but at the moment, I am sort of on autopilot and thinking isn't high on the priority list. As more develops, I will post (I swear!)

Getting Some Answers

2008-07-22T22:26:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow is the big day. We will finally have some answers to the ever present questions-when will he come home? when do the wires come off his teeth? if he can't come home soon, when can he get a private room? how much longer can we expect healing to take? what is the next step after inpatient care? I know good and well that some if not all of these can't be answered tomorrow. Most of the answers will be "We will have to wait and see". Errrr. Seems that he takes 2 steps forward and 1 back. Still progress, but slow. He had an appointment with the eye doc today. His eyes aren't tracking properly and is suffering from some double vision. Results being that when he looks left, his left eye doesn't move left. And the same goes with the right. Apparently this is due to an injury to his brain stem, occurring with the fracture of the base of his skull. It does seem to be improving, but will be a slow injury to heal. The other new thing is that he will have to have surgery on his right eye. Apparently, when his eye was healing from surgery, (they went in through his eye socket to put in some of the plates in his face) the lower lid curled up slightly. This means that his lower lashes are in constant contact with his eye. He can't feel it right now, but it is causing him to have more debris in his eye than should be there. He also runs the risk of scratching his cornea. Fun. The doctor pulled out most of his lower lashes today, but he will need surgery to correct it, especially as the lashes regrow. Rick continues to improve physically and cognitively and we are hopeful for a quick release date. He will require continued outpatient therapy but, in my view, just being home with us will help him regain his memory and his overall well being. Of course, I am a little biased as to what will help him since I miss him desperately and want him home.

My emotional state is improving. With all the chaos of the last six months, I have been really put through the ringer. More than anything, I just want my family back. Not the life we had, but the life that I know is possible. God has done a mighty work, but He isn't done getting Rick's attention. Please keep praying that Rick will listen to God and what He has planned for him. I can see him falling back into the thought processes that he was having a year ago or more that got him in this boat. Of course, no one can do anything about that except for Rick and God. I guess we will just have to wait and see. As we find out what the docs say I will keep posting. Keep praying! Your prayers are being heard and God is answering. He is sustaining me in the worst of moments and continues to prove Himself to me. Especially when I feel that I can't possibly do one more thing. We serve a mighty God!

Change of Scenery

2008-07-17T22:54:00.002-05:00

Rick had his first day in rehab. I am having my first day at home tomorrow. We will have to see how well I do. I have this overwhelming compulsion to run up to the hospital to sit at his bedside. But at the same time, I hate the hospital. I'm tired of people in scrubs and white jackets and spending 5 minutes with me only for me to remember what I wanted to ask after they have flown off to the next patient. Nothing personal of course. Just circumstances. He is doing well. We are on the road to home. Just gonna take time. Still hurts when I look at him and see that glassy look. The lights are on but nobody's home. He is doing better everyday, it's just hard to watch him struggle. Part of me wants to trade places with him. Part of me wants to walk away and never come back. I know which way I will go, but let's be honest. This sucks. After everything this year-this just bites. Royally. But hey, there's no growth without a little pain and a lot of stretching. I have been reading 90 Minutes in Heaven. Now that's an eye opener. I won't go into detail, but, among other issues, the author had to have a steel contraption attached to his leg due to a horrible car accident. This thing had screws into the bone in his leg that when turned and adjusted would cause the bone to grow a little longer every day. That's what I feel like. The screws have been put in and everyday, they get turned a little to stretch me, grow me. Not the way I had planned, but the I guess God has it all in hand. I will be glad when this season of growth is over for a while. Eventually harvest happens. Nothing will bring it any quicker than time. Not mine. His. SIGH. Ok Lord. All I have to do is get up in the morning. Beyond that, it's all about Him. Not me, not Rick, not the kids or our life or our friends or our stuff. Just Him. Learning that in my head is easy. In my heart? Not so. But hey, time is on my side. I just have to take advantage of it.

Still Struggleing

2008-07-12T22:12:00.002-05:00

Here I am tonight. Listening to Rick's rhythmic breathing and the clicks and hisses of the IV and the leg compression machine. I went back and read all the posts from Rick's site. While I am so blessed in reading all the wonderful messages of hope and love, I still struggle with completing this path. I'm so tired. I miss my kids. I miss my husband. Everyone says how strong I am. I don't feel it. God is the only thing that has kept me going. Rick is showing the classic symptoms of brain injury. He doesn't always know me and has been really angry at me. I kept thinking that I can't take any more this year. The roller coaster I'm on is getting old and I want some stability. Everytime I think things can't get any harder I go through something new. I know that God has this all in hand and His plan will come to fruition. I just struggle keeping my head above water. I find myself asking Him-"More?? Are you sure? I can't do any more-I'm tired, I'm running on empty, and feeling like I can't take one more blow. Where are You? I can see what You have done, but can't put one more foot in front of the other." Life in front of me looks so big and scary. With so many impediments, I have to take on all the details that I never thought of. He has always paid the bills. I am struggling with figuring out how to get the correct info out of the computer. I am also learning how to accept help. It's not easy for someone who has been the giver and the self sufficent one. Not that I don't appreciate it. I couldn't be where I am right now doing what I am right now without accepting the generosity of others. Some of the guys from Rick's office have graciously offered to mow the yard for us. I have recieved more gift cards from people than I could have ever imagined. The struggle lies in that I am so appreciative and grateful, but at the same time wishing with everything in me that I wasn't in this place. Wishing that Rick and I could switch places, so he won't hurt anymore. Wishing that my kids' lives weren't turned upside down even for this short time. I know, wishing won't change anything, but sometimes I just need to be able to break down. Find solace in allowing myself to cry and know that tomorrow will look different. Being alone is harder now, but I find myself irritated with company at the same time. Doesn't make any sense. I know. Part of this frustrating place that I am living in at the moment. Don't worry. Things will be better tomorrow. I needed to be able to vent and allow myself to empty my head and heart.

So Much Good News!!

2008-07-10T07:17:00.000-05:00

Where to begin...Rick has been moved to a new room, but is still in ICU. He has moved to a "pod" where the ratio of nurse to patient is better. He was 2 patients to 1 nurse and now its 3 to 1. YEA!!! He is talking somewhat and opening his eyes. The nurses have continued to comment on how quickly he is healing. Only one reason for that. God is a mighty God!! I realized this morning just how far we have come. We have officially reached the one week mark. One week ago today, I didn't know if my husband would see the next day, let alone the next week. And here we are. The night nurse told me that he didn't think Rick would spend much more time in ICU, but of course that is a call that has to be made by the doc. He can now sit up in bed and they have removed his restraints. He is still really swollen and in A LOT of pain, but he has come so far! I am extatic! I miss him so much and cant wait to be home with him and be able to have a normal life again. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I know that we have a long road in front of us-healing not only the physical damage, but all the other stuff that we have been dealing with for the last few months. I know how blessed we are and how fortunate I am that Rick is still here.

Almost Out of ICU!!

2008-07-09T10:37:00.000-05:00

Things are going very well. The doc gave the ok to remove his feeding tube and take him off the ventilator yesterday. This means that he should be out of ICU in a couple of days barring any major hiccups. His cough seems better and his breathing doesn't sound quite so rough and junky. He will be moved to a regular trauma care room a couple of floors up. I may see about having him moved to a hospital closer to home, depending on his length of stay. If it looks like more than a week of being in a regular room, I will ask. If it looks like less, then we will just keep him here. He is trying to talk now, with much frustration on both ends. I am trying to understand what he is saying and he is having to repeat himself. But we can learn how to get through it. His eyes are still very swollen and have a gel in them to aid in the healing after surgery. The docs had to go through his eye socket to do some of the surgery so his eyes are bruised for now. He is still in a great deal of pain and is on some pretty heavy medication. I spent the night at home with the kids last night but will be up at the hospital with him for the next few nights. Things are improving rapidly and we are getting closer and closer to being home. Thanks for all the prayers and assistance. I can see what God is doing and am so grateful that Rick is here and for all the help everyone has given. It has made a world of difference for me.

Recent Info

2008-07-08T11:05:00.001-05:00

Lots to say today! Rick continues to improve. He is communicating with his hands as his mouth is still wired shut. He told me he loves me and asked me to scratch his head. :) Almost skipped down the hall after that! He is on the next to lowest setting on the ventilator and breathing on his own for the most part. The intubating tube is still in his nose due to swelling and mucus in his lungs. The nurses don't want to remove the tube until they are comfortable that his airway won't swell shut. We haven't recieved word back on his CT scan on his neck or the results of the bronchioscope (mucus from his lungs) but I figure that no news is good news. If it were very bad, they would have been looking for me. The nurses will reevaluate him later today to see if they can remove the tubing. It all depends on the swelling and how much junk is in his lungs. I can't say enough how thankful I am that he is alive and that he will be coming home. We don't know exactly when as it depends on so many factors-swelling, how he does with physical therapy once he is in a room etc. But I do know this-he will be coming home. Praise God!!! Keep praying-we are not out of the woods completely but I can see the edge of the trees! Also, a continued thank you to everyone praying and to the folks who have graciously opened thier homes up for our kids. I could not have been here without that help and I can never say thank you enough for that. To know that the kids are in safe hands and are having a great time is a HUGE load off my mind. You have made it easier on me and for that I am eternally grateful. I will run for now, but will post as I know more info-Big thanks to Ken Skillet for the loaner laptop. Much appreciated!

Latest and Greatest

2008-07-07T17:12:00.002-05:00

Rick is doing really well today. He has had 2 CT scans today. One was for his eyes as the pupils were not responding like the drs wanted but that cleared up quickly. The other was just this afternoon for his neck. We wont hear anything on that until tomorrow probably. He is off the sedation medication and because of that he is much more responsive. He squeezed my hand several times today and shook his head no when I told him I was going to leave. I stayed for a little longer and then when I needed to leave I told him that I was going and he squeezed my hand and let go. I could have skipped down the hall! They have not taken the tube out yet as he sounds a little rattlely in his chest so they did a scope and sample of the mucus in his lungs to rule out pneumonia. Just waiting for results on that, but no news is good news. As I get new info I will be sure to pass it along.

Current Info

2008-07-05T05:50:00.002-05:00

Hey folks-came home this morning to shower and make sure the kids had clean clothes. Things are going well. He has responded to my voice a few times and squeezes my hand when he realizes I am there. I am so appreciative of these little things. He's alive and healing. And coming home soon. I talked with the doc that will be doing his surgery on Sunday and he seems pretty confident that they will be able to repair most if not all the damage to his face in one surgery. Of course that all depends on what they find when they get in there. From what the dr has said, he may be able to be out of ICU within a day or so after surgery. He would be moved to a room and assuming healing continues without any issues, he may be able to come home within 5 days or so. Amazing stuff. Just waiting until surgery to really see any changes, but he is getting better. His face looks SOOOOO much better already. He swelled really large initially but now looks alot more like himself. The swelling will return with surgery, but we will see some definate improvement after that. Keep praying. God is the only thing that kept him alive and I am on my knees in gratitude for that. We came really close to losing him and God has had it all in the palm of his hand. Again thank you to everyone who has helped or prayed for him. God does answer prayer and the fact that my husband is doing as well as he is is proof.

More on Rick

2008-07-04T10:27:00.002-05:00

Well, things are about the same. The good thing is that we have found out that he will have surgery on Sunday, expecting that it will take approximately 6 or more hours. He is doing very well and healing appropriately. The nurses have said that he does respond when they allow him to come up out of sedation but he still really wants the intubation tube out. They still have him restrained as he actively tries to take it out when he comes up. They were hoping to be able to extubate (remove the tube) him but with the swelling in his mouth and upper throat they might not be able to right now. He had an MRI last night, but we don't have results back yet. With the holiday I am not sure when we will hear back from the docs. Again, he is doing well, just pretty much status quo at the moment. I really don't expect too much right now, once he has surgery I think we will see alot more changes. Thanks for the prayers and all the calls. It means so much that I have so many people who care and are doing so much for us. I will never be able to repay or thank any of you enough. My only request for everyone is if you ride a motorcycle-please please please wear a helmet. I can not stress that enough. I have seen enough damage for a lifetime. Will post more as I find out more.

Please Pray

2008-07-03T11:35:00.002-05:00

Some of you know this by now, but I wanted to update everyone on our current situation. Rick was in a serious motorcycle accident last night. He was careflighted to Baylor Medical in Dallas. As of the moment, he is stable and doing well. He will need surgery pretty quickly but we have to find out how extensive the damage is. He has a fractured vertebrae in his neck, a fracture on the lower part of his skull near his neck, a serious fracture on his face (from the bridge of his nose to the outside of his eye socket) on one side, and his jaw is broken in multiple places. The rest of his body seems to be ok, just some road rash and bruising. He is still in sedation for the most part, although he really wants the intubation tubing out. I am just waiting to hear what the next step is. We are waiting on getting his MRI so that will probably be later tonight. As I know something, I will post. Thanks for praying. He will get through this.

Updates Updates Updates

2008-07-02T17:31:00.006-05:00

I realize that I have been a little behind of late-lots going on. Most folks probably know this, but I was in a car accident about 2 weeks ago. Got rear ended at the new light at Morriss and Waketon. Long story short-the kids and I are fine, no injuries at all. My car wasn't so lucky. The van was totaled. But the good news is that I got a new car! Looked at some different options and we decided to go with a Volkswagon Jetta. I LOVE IT!!!! Base model and still had lots of standard stuff that I am so incredibly pleased with. Since we are not planning on any more kids, I could get a sedan and save on gas.

My new zippy RED car! I have never owned a red car before-not that the color really matters, but it is fun!

And on to other things-the bathroom has moved past demolition and is now into reconstruction. We had a plumber come out and cap off the tub line and drain, so that is out of the way. That is the one thing that Rick won't do on his own. He can pretty much figure out all the other construction type stuff, but dealing with plumbing is not something he likes to mess with. We got the new drywall up and the floors are scraped and ready to tile. As daunting as this is, it's kind of exciting to see the old come down and the new go up. Rick primed the walls so he will be ready to apply texture and paint pretty soon. Will keep photos posted as we make progress. Wish us luck!

Yea for new drywall-without mold!

New cabinets/sinks on either side of the bathroom-same location just new stuff.

Rick took out the toilet-not a job I enjoy, so many thanks to him for taking that on without me!

As we get more done I will post. I am off to vacuum and dust the bedroom again. How on earth does work like this generate so much dust????

Bathroom Demolition

2008-06-16T10:45:00.004-05:00

I think I had mentioned earlier that we are in the process of remodeling our master bath. I have finally gotten around to taking pics of the work we have done so far. I know some folks have seen the bathroom before we started this, and since I never think to do a before shot, some will never know. Those who have seen it know the hideous wallpaper that was up and the more hideous that was behind it. Decided not to mess with second layer-just gonna texture over it. We even went so far as to break out the air hammer (don't know if that's the right word or not) to chisel up some old mortar. Rick put it best I think-"Every man needs his own jackhammer; it's just fun!" Despite the dust, we are beginning to see where we want to go with it. It's a huge undertaking for us, but I think when the dust clears (literally) we will have a really impressive new bath. And hey, we will have learned how to tile! Will keep pics posted to show off a little! :o)

Note the mold behind the shower-FUN!

And the most recent pics:

Stay tuned in for more excitement!

Update on Weight Loss

2008-06-12T14:57:00.003-05:00

I was reading back through my old posts and realized that I have not put up my numbers for losing weight! I have to say that this is one of the things that I am most proud of-namely cause I feel good and look better than I have in years. Not to toot my own horn too loudly but YEA Me!

Beginning weight: 210 (Oct. 07)
Current weight: 151
Total Lost: a whopping 59 pounds!

I would still like to get down to 125 130 but I'm not obsessed. I feel so much better now, although the bank account is feeling the pinch.

Summer Fun

2008-06-12T14:43:00.006-05:00

I succumed to my children's whining today. I have heard "Im hot" (in the whiniest voice ever) so often that I gave in. I did tell my daughter (the whinee or is that whiner?) that she lives in the wrong state to be "hot and sweaty" in June. I got the pool out, blew it up (thank God for air compressors), and filled it. Once I slathered the kids in sunscreen I turned them loose. They had a marvelous time. The funny thing is that they actually got cold in the water-water from the hose is still cool this time of year-go figure.

This is them trying to do "bunny ears" in the photo. They recently discovered this and think it is the funniest thing "EVER" to quote my daughter.

Name That Goose!

2008-06-12T14:32:00.006-05:00

It was brought to my attention (thanks Hol!) that I have more going on in life than what I have been posting of late. In specific, I was mildly chastised for not posting new photos of my goose. So here we are:

I realized that during all the time that I have had my goose, I haven't named him. So in the interest of christening my front porch resident I am taking suggestions. Suggest away! The winner gets the eternal gratefulness of my goose. :)

Homeward Bound-not the Paul & Art version

2008-06-01T19:59:00.004-05:00

In an effort to stay more current, I will post today. Note dramatic pause for effect. What's goin on in my crazy little world of late. I AM MOVING HOME!!!! Hannah gets out of school on the 4th and I will be home asap! Things continue to improve and I couldn't be happier where we are. Not that things are exactly how I want them now, but that we are progressing toward healthy and happy. And ultimately, that's what I want. I want to have the relationship that lasts because it is healthy and that we can each be the person the other needs. The kids and I spent the weekend at the house with Rick and the feeling of comfort to walk in to a place and know that I am home is exquisite. I know that when I get home we will have to work toward healing, and that it won't be easy, but it will be worth it. Waking up with him means so much more to me now. I don't want to lose this awareness of where we are. The closest thing I can think of that compares is when we went through Hurricane Isabell while we were in Richmond. We were without power for 10 days. That was a lllooonnnggg 10 days. I remember vividly pulling into our neighborhood that last day and noticing that there were lights on that I hadn't seen in days. When we pulled up to the house the lights were on and we opened the garage door with the remote! Oh the bliss and relief! To this day I remember that almost every time I open a garage door. I want to hang on to that feeling when it comes to us. Never forget what matters. Never forget the good things. Even when they seem small. Waking up to the man I love is a gift. One that I will never take for granted.

For those who aren't 60s folk rock fans-Homeward Bound was by Simon & Garfunkel. One of my secret loves. :)

Wow-Has It Been That Long??

2008-05-22T09:42:00.003-05:00

I just realized how long it had been since I blogged. Not having my own computer somewhat impedes me from posting as often as I should. Yeah yeah-excuses. Yes I know Holly. Haven't seen yours lately either. :) Anyway, things are pretty status quo here. Rick and I have had a couple of really good weekends together with the kids and I am really looking forward to Hannah getting out of school. She will be done on the 4th and I will be moving home asap after that. I know that we have a lot of work to do once I get home, but the way things are going, I feel very optimistic about it. Hannah is chomping at the bit to get done with school. I think it is in part that she really wants to be back home as well and knows that we can't do that until school is out. I am amazed at how easily she can take life in stride right now. She has come through with flying colors and very little stress. She grinds her teeth a lot in her sleep but that has been the most that I have had to deal with. (Other than normal life with a little brother and no privacy.) Rick is in process of demoing our master bath. We knew that we wanted to update it, but didn't realize how well multiple layers of wall paper can stick. Once I get back home, it will move a little quicker. I know it's tough to do some of the work alone, and the house gets pretty lonely for him right now. Being at an empty house is not the most enjoyable experience. Plus we will have to learn how to tile. Neither one of us has ever done it before, so this will be a new experience. Once I get back, I can post photos and such again. I don't have my normal set up, so can't get photos in the computer like I would like. I have also been working on Mom & Dad to get cable, but I don't think that's going to happen. Been in Food Network withdrawl for the last 2 months. That & TLC/Discovery Channel. Oh Well. That will all be rectified soon. Back to the land of Wii, Guitar Hero and CABLE!!!! How sad am I??? Being here has taught me a lot and I have a clearer picture of who I am, who I want to be and where I want to go in the future. It is a little odd, though as I feel I am in a holding pattern for right now. We can't really make any serious progress until I get back home. Well, that's not true. We have made serious progress, but some things will be easier and clearer when we are together in the same place. Living apart does that. We have made some big steps in repairing us, but until we are back under the same roof, it is tough. I can tell though, every day, I miss him more and more. But in a really good way. Not just physically his presence, but also his personality, his quirks, the things that I have always loved. I can see more of the man that I fell in love with years ago. Knowing that we are so close to being together and healthy makes it harder in some ways. Again I am an end of the story person, so waiting isn't my strong suit. I want to get there quicker! I do know that that we have to make these small steps to truly be healthy and happy so I am trying not to rush things. patience patience patience. My new mantra. Anyway, life is good. And steadily improving. And that is the best thing of all.

Progress Made

2008-05-06T19:23:00.002-05:00

Hey folks, haven't completely fallen off the face of the planet. Life continues to improve for me. Rick called me at the beginning of April with an interesting request. Every year he attends a conference to maintain some of his professional certifications. This year's conference was to be held in Vegas. Originally I was not going to be able to go due to the kids etc. But he called and asked that if he bought me an air ticket would I join him. Mom and Dad were gracious enough to take on the kids for a few days and so I got the opportunity to go to Vegas this past week and have an grown up vacation with Rick! We haven't done that since before Hannah was born. It was wonderful! I have to apologize to Holly because I didn't take the camera. That was on the list, but I got sidetracked. (Go figure) We stayed at the Paris (beautiful hotel!!) and really got the chance to sit back and just have fun again. We didn't talk a lot about where we were, where we were going etc. More than anything I just wanted to reconnect and remember what it was like to have fun and not worry about what time the sitter had to be home and how much money we were spending. I met some of his coworkers that I didn't know as they were out for the same conference. We saw Blue Man Group up close (8th row!!), went dancing and I learned how to play a little blackjack. It was so good!

We are making definite progress. Things still have to be worked on & discussed, but we will get through it. I am hopeful and thankful for the blessings I have. The good thing about me being here at Mom & Dad's is that my mom had to have emergency retinal surgery about 3 weeks ago. She had noticed a spot in her vision and some distortion so she went in to her opthamologist who promptly had her in surgery the next day. Her retina was detaching from the back of her eye. Apparently this is not uncommon among those who are severely nearsighted (you can see up close but not far away) and have had laser vision correction surgery. Note to everyone if you start to see flashes of light at weird times and lots of halos around lights at night, please see an opthamologist. You may end up saving your vision. If Mom had put off going much longer she might have lost sight in that eye. The end result of her surgery is that while she is healing up, she cant read, drive, lean over, or do anything strenuous for 6 weeks. We are in week 3. This means that I am her driver, email reader, quasi housekeeper, and I do her laundry. Things are much better since she can now sleep lying down and doesn't have to wear her eye patch 24/7. She is finally able to put her eye drops in by herself this week. All in all, I know that my being here is a God thing. She couldn't have made it without help during all this.

The kids are doing pretty well, but we are all looking forward to being able to go home. That is looking very promising and I know that it will help propel us to being the couple and family that we are supposed to be. I am more concerned with just reestablishing our marriage and family and making sure that we are healthy and that we don't fall in to the same patterns that got us in this position. I have had lots of light bulb moments in the past month that have changed my thinking and my attitude. I know that I tend to be a fear driven person. I have been afraid of not being liked, upsetting people, not being what was expected of me, or just that life would change and I wouldn't be able to deal. Just realizing that has helped me to evict that mode of thinking. While everyone struggles with that, I now know that it doesn't have to be a defining characteristic. My fears don't have to define me or control me. Life is much too big to allow fear to be a dictator.

I am doing better. Probably better than I have been in a long time. Still have down days and days that I miss him so much that it hurts, but when I can look at the bigger picture, I can see glimpses of the future that could be and I have hope. Down but not out. The next year will be telling, but I am really looking forward to what the next 5 years bring. Our marriage will be stronger because we will be stronger and healthier.

Back Again

2008-04-20T19:51:00.002-05:00

Hey folks, I have returned for yet another few and far between post. I would have never thought in a million years that I (of all people) would have nothing to say. That's not entirely accurate. It's not that I don't have anything to say, its just that putting it down is complicated. Getting my emotions and thoughts from my head to "paper" so to speak isn't as easy for me as it would have seemed. Life is moving along relatively well. The kids are doing pretty good. They are well behaved for the most part, but I think that Mom & Dad are beginning to remember all the down sides of parenthood again. For example, the bickering over whether or not Josh should be allowed to call a certain Sonic the "refrigerator Sonic". Don't ask, I have no idea. Things like that and the fact that my son refuses to potty train. I know he's ready but at the moment it seems more monumental than I really want to tackle. He has already dug his heels in to some extent, so I know we will have a battle ahead of us. I know I should be more assertive and most little boys his age are potty trained, but I just don't have the energy. Oh well. No one goes to kindergarten in diapers. Rick and I are making progress. He is actively showing me that he does want us to be a family again and that I am important to him. I am still deeply in love with him, despite everything that has happened. I had a huge realization a while back-while the events in our past have a strong effect on our lives, what truly defines us is the choices we make in the present and future. Done is done and we can't go back and do anything about it. What matters to me the most is what choices is he/are we going to make in the coming months and years. That and the recurring theme in my life is that God is a God of second chances. And giving someone a second chance grows me more than it may them. I know full well that forgiveness also doesn't change the consequences of life. But the consequences don't have to be damaging or hurtful. Through all the pain, growth has occurred. In me and in Rick. And I thank God for that. I think that we are on a solid road of reconstruction. I have a weird little analogy that came to mind in pondering all of this: it's like we went through a hugely destructive earthquake. The house we had was damaged but salvageable. We will rebuild and some of the things we have will be placed back in exactly the same place, but we will have other things that will never be replaced. Change is good. I know I am probably a little odd right now, and not everyone will agree or comprehend the place I am in. That's ok. I am ok with who I am and where I am and where I am headed. So we will be fine. God has already seen to that.

Keeping Everyone Updated

2008-04-07T16:04:00.003-05:00

I am still here. Floating in cyberspace. Things are going as well as can be expected given the circumstances. Living at Mom & Dad's is ok. They have been great about providing whatever and making sure the kids & I have our own space. It's just different when you are used to being in your own place. I am hoping and praying daily for reconciliation but trying to prepare for life if that doesn't happen. I do miss him. And love him. The longer we are apart, the more I realize that. We have had the chance to go out as a family to a couple of things and that was good. Every morning I wake up and am disoriented for the first few moments. Then reality comes crashing back in. I know that we can have the marriage that we started out to have. Things just got off kilter. I will continue to hold on to the hope that we will make it. I made a promise almost 12 years ago. For better or worse. This is just the worse. And I realize that there are other people going through similar situations and much worse than what I am dealing with. I just take it day by day and look forward to the future. Regardless of what that future is, I know that the kids and I will fine.

Times they are a changin

2008-03-25T19:34:00.002-05:00

Well, folks life is sure crazy. Rick and I are in the process of going our seperate ways. I will not be dragging him through the gunk that I have done in the past. He is a good dad and loves the kids very much. He just isn't in the same place I am. I still love him dearly and while this is where we are right now, I will not count out the chance that what we have can still be saved. I do feel very strongly about our situation, but will not be venting here. Partly it is an exercise on my part to not do the vindictive ex thing and say nasty things about him in front of the kids. I don't want to be that, nor should they see or hear that. As far as they are concerned, Daddy loves them. No venting in comments at the moment please. I realize that I have many readers and I need to stay as positively focused as I can right now. As time goes by I will be more open about our circumstances. I appreciate the prayers and know that I could not function without them. God is a big God and will hold me in the shadow of His mighty wings. I stand on His promises that He has a plan for my life and for my children's lives. He has a plan for Rick as well. I will not give up on that. Unconditional love goes a long way for me. Without it, I would be....I don't even want to picture that. Keep holding us up. We have a long way to go.

Rain Rain Go Away!

2008-03-18T15:02:00.002-05:00

It's raining. BLECH. It shouldn't rain during spring break. I have decided this. Not that the weather is going to change just because I don't like it. But hey, I like voicing my opinion. (Not that that's a new concept to anyone) My pants are wet along the hem and I'm cold. I always get cold when it rains. Even in the middle of the summer. Go figure. I do have to say though, that the kids are really doing quite well today. The fighting has been kept to a minimum and they have been very well behaved. If ya gotta pick one.... I will take relatively well behaved children any day. I don't really have anything earth shattering to blog about today, but I figured just putting something up would be good. Got the chance to have lunch out with 2 of my close friends and we actually got to talk and eat like grownups! 3 adults and 7 kids usually makes for surly waitstaff, but we got lucky. Note that we put 5 of the kids at their own table. Makes it MUCH easier to have a rational conversation that isn't peppered with the words NO or NOT NOW. Ah parenthood. The thunder has started up again and I will probably be losing power any minute now (thank you TXU) so I will end on that note. Enjoy a sleepy dreary afternoon! I think I will go take a nap.....

Book Tag

2008-03-13T15:38:00.002-05:00

So I read Jenny's blog and looked around and the only book (couldn't find multiple sentences in a road atlas) within reasonable distance was....

Sarbanes-Oxley for Dummies
(a book Rick bought long ago for work stuff)

Page 123 sentences 5-8
"SOX also imposes criminal penalties for CEOs and CFOs that acquiesce to inaccurate reports.

In this chapter, you find a road map of CEO and CFO reporting and certification requirements. It also includes some suggestion as to how managers can comply with SOX requirements in an economically beneficial manner.

SOX seems to single out CEOs and CFOs when it comet to corporate ethics and public accountability."

I only roughly understand all this is talking about, but hey, it makes for an interesting blog.

So....I tag Holly and Cindy. Lets see who will actually do this!

Rules: "Look up from the computer, look around the room where you're sitting and pick up the closest book. And closest really means closest. No cheating by running to another room to pick out a book. Open the book, turn to page 123, count down to the fifth sentence on that page, and then post the next three sentences." Enjoy!

I Am.....

2008-03-11T17:28:00.003-05:00

Ok, I found this on another blog and couldn't help myself. I love "Take this quiz and see where who you are" things..... (thank you Elizabeth!)

Take the Quiz here!

I'm Still Blogging...Sort Of

2008-03-11T16:00:00.004-05:00

Yeah, yeah. I know. I haven't blogged in almost a month. Amazingly enough, I haven't felt like it, so I didn't do it. With everything going on it got pushed to the bottom of the "important to do" list. To start of with, Hannah is playing soccer and having a marvelous time. I think it is more of the social aspect than the sport that she loves, but that's ok. She likes to go and seems to enjoy herself. I will be a good mom and post photos eventually, but I haven't gotten around to that yet. That starts us off as busy, but then we lost Rick's grandparents in quick succession recently, so we have been busy with funerals and such. As sad as it is to lose them, I have to say that it was so romantic that they went with in days of each other. They had been married for 64 years (I think that's right) and were deeply in love with each other. We should all be so fortunate to spend that much of our lives with one person that knows us well and loves us beyond our faults. Their deaths and funerals also gave Rick and I a chance to talk about some things and reconnect in ways that we haven't in a long time. Grief isn't always a bad thing. Of late, we have been able to sit out on the back porch and just talk after the kids are in bed. The only regret with that is that we didn't do it sooner. We sit and watch the stars (actually it's the airplanes overhead, but oh well) and talk. About big things and little things and the life that falls in the middle. We have also had the opportunity of late to reestablish a friendship that had been closed off. This came at a time when we both needed someone who had been where we are/were. Things are really good on the home front. Every day is better. On a really fun note, I scored some tickets for the last show of one of Rick's favorite bands who are wrapping up their tour in July. My mom & dad are keeping the kids and we are headed out for a child free couple of days. WOO HOO! Since we have never been able to go away for a weekend without the kids this is a huge deal for us. I am really looking forward to this. To behave like people who don't have kids......oh the bliss! (I really am thinking along the lines of staying up late and sleeping late and having multiple meals that aren't involved with ketchup.) Anyway, I thought I should at least keep my blogging public up to date. :)

Oh-just so I don't have to actually make another entry (how lazy am I???) update on the weight loss

Lost to date: 46.6 lbs
Pounds to next goal: 13.4

I've Been Absent

2008-02-20T16:50:00.002-06:00

I haven't blogged in a bit. Not that things haven't been racing through my brain, but putting things down in print hasn't been high on the priority list. I think I am slightly depressed of late, (I need more sunny days) so I am struggling to keep up with normal life. Don't worry, I am not so depressed that I can't function, just feeling a little blue. Nothing that won't pass with time. We have been doing pretty well and every day with Rick is a blessing. We both have our ups and downs and sometimes it is a real struggle just to be a functioning person. I do have to say that we had the most marvelous date on Saturday night. Went out to the Mercury Chop House for dinner in downtown FW and then on to see Four Day Weekend, an improv comedy troup that is(are?) very funny. I really enjoyed being out with Rick and being able to be adults and have a real conversation. He is truly amazing and everyday I see a little more of the man that I love. Even our hard conversations are good right now. Just to be able to be open and say the things that seem uncomfortable means so much. We still have a long road to walk, but walking it with him is so enjoyable. Despite the bumps in the road, life is getting better. Just takes time and effort.

7 Weird Things

2008-02-20T16:11:00.003-06:00

I've been trying to think of weird things about me since I got tagged. Honestly, it's kind of hard. That's probably due more to the fact that I consider myself a closet weirdo anyway.

Let's see.....

1. I adore the smell of gasoline. Even better, the smell of a mechanics shop. The oil, gas, grease underscored with the faint hint cigarettes; all of it. Brings to mind the early dating times when a date with Rick usually meant sitting in the garage watching him rebuild his Nova.

2. I hate the word panties. It sounds so silly. And having a daughter who finally potty trained made it hard. Don't know why, just can't stand how it sounds.

3. I have a secret desire to live at any office supply store. Well, maybe not live there, but office supplies are soothing to me for some reason. Apparently this is not as weird as I once thought since I read everyone else's weird lists.

4. I like scary books. Stephen King, Dean Koontz etc. Don't like horror movies at all, but love to read a scary book. Go figure.

5. I have to shower in the same order every time. Example: I start at the top and work down. Shampoo then conditioner, then my face etc. If I get out of order, I have to start again. Don't really know why.

6. I love to know the end of the story first. I know, I know, everybody hates that. (Especially my husband) I will consistently read the first chapter of a book then flip to the end to see how it turns out. The joy of this comes in looking for all the signs of what is to come. Not that I don't enjoy surprises, but knowing the ending is very satisfying to me.

7. I love to file things. Not that you would know by the stack of things to be filed in the office, but the end result is just soooo good. An ideal day would be knowing that I have a file ready for every scrap of paper and tackleing a huge pile. When I had an office job, that was the best part of my day.

I guess I am pretty weird, but then, this is my normal. I've always thought that everyone else were the weird ones! ;)

Just Hanging Out

2008-02-11T13:14:00.000-06:00

Rick and I had a wonderful time together last night. He asked if I wanted to go outside with him last night while he smoked a cigar. Before recently, I would have said not a chance. But I am realizing the value of just being with him. So he opened a bottle of wine and we sat on the back porch and talked. The kids were in bed, the night was perfect and we got the chance to just be together. Sat out for about an hour and watched the airplanes overhead (gotta love being in the flight path). Was probably one of the best conversations we have had in a long time. He is an amazing guy and the more I learn the more I love him. We've gone through a huge roller coaster of late, but things are going to be better than ever before.

Sounds About Right

2008-02-08T11:47:00.003-06:00

I took this personality test and I think it sums me up pretty well. Thanks to Pam (Momma Extraordinaire, and the sister of a dear friend of mine)

New Goal

2008-02-06T15:11:00.000-06:00

Latest on the weight loss:

Beginning weight: 210 -- Oct. '07
Met 1st goal: 185 -- Jan 18 '08
Met 2nd goal: 175 -- Feb 5 '08
Next Goal: 165 -- 9.8 lbs to go

Weight lost to date: 35.2 lbs and counting

YEA ME!!!!

Pardon the Interruption

2008-02-06T13:01:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I am slow on blogging. It's not so much that I don't have anything to blog about, just that I am incredibly lazy. Sometimes it's just the whole thought of coming up the stairs and actually putting something entertaining on the screen. Things are bumping along here. Rick ordered new passenger pegs for his bike (motorcycle for those who aren't in the know ;) ) so that I could ride with him. I haven't been on the back of a bike since I was about 11 years old, so this will be a new experience for me. He has also started looking at new seats that have a little bit of back support for those of us who are a little more nervous about falling off. I am excited about being able to go out and ride with him, this is something that has always been "his thing" and I never thought too much about going with him. He asked if I would want to and in the interest of trying new things, I said yes. Once we get the chance to go, I will be sure to fill everyone in on the ride.

There are so many things that we haven't had the chance to do together that we are now really trying to do. With everything going on, I realized that being a little more open to new experiences ain't so bad. (I am a very narrow focused person and new things don't come easily to me) Reaquainting myself with this man that I love is going to be fun.

My Amazing Kids

2008-01-31T15:22:00.000-06:00

I have to do a little bragging here. With all the stuff going on I have been concerned about the kids and how they are doing, are they being affected (or is it effected?) etc. Today I have been dealing with some pretty sensitive emotions and both kids have been just lovable and wanting to hug and kiss me. I am so proud that my kids are sensitive to others feelings and hurts. I am not the most empathetic person, so when I see that in my children, I am so impressed. A random hug is probably the one thing that melts me the most. (Wanna make me cry? Hug me at my most exposed moment and you have a guaranteed snot factory) So when I get that from my children, my heart is so touched. No strings attached, just wanting to show me that they love me. Wow. Not that it should surprise me, really, but the depth of the love of a child is quite amazing. Talk about counting your blessings. I have two that are among the best in my life.

Baby It's Cold Outside!

2008-01-31T15:11:00.001-06:00

Oh My! I just got back from picking up Hannah from school. How on earth did it get so cold outside so quickly??? When your freshly shaved legs have a day's worth of growth just from standing outside for a few minutes, you know it's cold. (grumble grumble)

Deep Breath, Again

2008-01-29T16:21:00.000-06:00

Things are constantly changing here, not always good changes, but not always bad either. We are struggling with issues that are very serious and both of us have questions that have very hard answers. But I know that there is always hope. In the moments that seem the darkest, light has it's way of coming in and being seen. I thought of this last night. I noticed that there was a door that was shut and the light was on in that room, but the rest of the house was dark. Even though the door was shut, the light still shone through the cracks and illuminated some of the dark. I don't know what the future holds for my family. I do know that there is hope because the dark is still being illuminated by what seems to be the smallest of lights from behind a dark door. Part of me wants to pour out my head and reveal all, but I am learning prudence in a sensitive time. Taking the time to think and not talk is not my usual style, but much can be learned in the process. I know that in a year, things will be different and better. I will be stronger and able to look back and see how far I have come. Just have to stay focused on the top of the hill. Running uphill is hard and painful but when you get to the top, the view is spectacular. I keep thinking of the verse talking about running the race. (Can't remember the exact wording at the moment, so bear with me) Nothing was ever promised about it being easy, but that it would be worth the struggle. I know without a doubt that no matter how hard the struggle is, it is worth it. That doesn't mean that the result I want is guaranteed. Just that the growth that comes from the tears will be worth every one of them.

Keep On Plugging Away

2008-01-27T14:37:00.000-06:00

In order to keep myself honest-latest on the weight loss:

Beginning weight: 210 -- Oct. '07
Met 1st goal: 185 -- Jan 18 '08
Next goal: 175 -- 6.4 lbs to go