New Year New Life

Here I am again. Beginning of a year that I yet again hold out hope will be better than the last. So far we are better I guess. Began the year in Mexico at an orphanage on mission trip. That was good. Got me out of my comfort zone and began to peel back the layers of a mindset buried in frustration and (to be painfully honest) anger. Anger at myself first-I made the choices that got me in the mess I was in, anger at those around me who don't move at the pace I would have them go (not that it's fair mind you, just being honest); anger that I placed my faith in God who doesn't seem to be moving much on my behalf. (I know that sounds harsh and self centered-again more honesty than anything.) I have decided that it is time to put the last 3-5 years to bed. No longer to chew on old pain and old issues. Rick is gone and in his absence I am the sole support for my kids. No matter who is around me, I am the one where it ultimately falls to. Can't do anything to change what happened. I want so much for new things. I no longer want to be a crutch for anyone. Learned some hard things this year. Good things, but hard none the less. There are no white knights. No one will come and save me. I have been standing on the side of the road, hoping against hope that the fairy tales are true. They aren't. Accepting that makes life easier somehow. No matter how hard and cold reality is, accepting the truth makes it easier to get up and face the day. You keep going because there is no plan B.

Now while this sounds so very cold and hard, I am gaining a deeper understanding of faith. At this point, it's just me and God. There is no tangible person to cling to in the moments where I can't stand anymore. I have to rely on Him. No tangible one who knows me inside out and will be there to lean on. Learning about rebuilding walls and how they have a two fold purpose. Keep out those who shouldn't be there and keep those in who need protection. Boundaries have a purpose. I've never been good at establishing them. My nature is such that I tend to be open to people that come into my life without reservation. I think that has been one of the points that I have needed to learn this year. People will always fail you. No matter who they are and how much they love you, you can't put your faith there. God won't fail, and He's the only one that can be said of. Time to retreat and allow Him to establish my lines. The funny thing is that I know how hard headed I am and that it took this long for me to get it.

Such is life.