Saturday morning and I have about a bazillion things rocketing thru my head. Interesting things this week. I know that I have a HUGE issue with fear. Not so much phobia type junk, but I am afraid of being emotionally hurt or seeing someone I care about hurt. In ways it would be so much easier to physically hurt. It's visible, and you can actively see the healing that takes place. I seem to skirt every issue that might possibly, just maybe, in some small way cause pain or even discomfort.
Which brings me to my current meanderings through my brain. I can't see healing take place emotionally. Frustrating to say the least. And in that frustration is the underlying re-injury that I (to a certain extent) deal myself. I love being with the old and new friends that are married. But at the same time, it really gets me. To watch two people function together and genuinely enjoy each other is bittersweet. I know that what I wanted and asked for in a marriage, I didn't get. He told me he didn't want me anymore. Flat out. I didn't cut it. .....Ok. Now what? I fought for what I thought was right and did everything I knew to do. So now it's time to get up and get on with life. Is that healing?
One thing that I did realize is that I don't want that label of Single Mom. I don't like the mentality that goes with it, I don't like that venom that spews out toward the world. Don't want to live in that bitterness and anger. Functioning in that role for the mean time is fine, but I don't want a temporary role to become my identity. I don't think it will be this way forever, only for awhile.
I guess this is all coming to a head because I see time march by and feel like I am frozen in limbo. There are things that I want to see happen. I see potential for a business, potential for a relationship, potential for a very not-normal but good life. But it all comes back to fear. How afraid am I of stepping out and revealing more of myself, my thoughts, my plans and dreams to those who matter most? And why am I afraid? Some of it is because of fear of pain, rejection, fear of causing discomfort or pain to someone else, the typical things you might think of. But also, I understand that it is frankly, I don't want to be told that I am wrong. That my choices were in error. Ouch. Pride rears its ugly head.
Well, Lord here I am again. You seem to have a knack for putting Your finger on the one spot that is the most tender and say-"Deal with this spot first-the we can deal with the rest". Will keep working. One step at a time right?
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