I'm Tired

So incredibly tired. There has been so much that I have had to do in the past few days that I honestly can't figure out which end is up. Still processing the fact that a man that I cared for deeply is gone. By his own hand. Rick and I had problems. But I did love him once. Deeply and passionately. And no matter of how I feel now, I never wanted to see him hurt. Not this way. Not that he does now, but the depth of the hole he was in I can't comprehend. I have had so many conversations of late about why and not understanding etc etc. Suicide is just so mean. It is a hateful thing to do. And he knew it. He knew the pain that it would bring and still did it. Can't wrap my head around that. The sheer weight of the paperwork/red tape/emotional baggage he left behind is staggering. Not to mention the debt and the damage to his kids. To look them in the eye and tell them that their father is dead is the thing I hope no mother ever has to do. And yet I know that I am not the first nor the last to face this. It sucks.

The kids are doing pretty well. J is drops comments in conversation so I know he is still processing. H is a little more difficult. She has seemed to accept it all very quickly and that worries me. She could be doing just fine (relatively speaking) but I just don't know. I will be getting them into counseling soon to deal with the aftermath that I don't know how to begin on. But we will keep going. I won't let them see me crack under this. They see me hurt, but I will not be broken. And that is only by the grace of God. He has carried me and will carry me. Not by my strength, because it is gone. I honestly don't know how I have gotten through the last few days. I just keep going. This is a very different tired. I sleep, but when I wake up I am just as tired. Oh well.

A friend and I were discussing all this in the last couple of days and a comment was made that will stick with me forever. We seem to ask for life to be "better" or different. Or we are waiting for things to improve. The thing is that this is life. With it's ups, downs, horribly dark places and mountaintop experiences, this is it. There is no life without pain, and no life without joy. It just comes in different seasons. I don't like it right now, but it will change. There are blessings coming from this that I can't see yet. Don't get me wrong, I want to get on with it and get out of this place that I am in but I know the good times will be that much sweeter because I know how dark the other places are. A solid dose of humor helps. People have seen the more, shall we say, unsanitized side of me of late. Especially those who weren't there for my walk through the affair and accident. Makes me laugh. I think I shock some people. Here I am. Take me or leave me, this is who I am. No excuses. Crass and sarcastic, gentle and sweet all at once. (probably leaning more toward the crass and sarcastic side)

I also lost my grandmother this week. Rick died on Wednesday and my mom's mom on Thursday. I think I have had enough death for a while. I think I'm a little numb to it right now. Can't really take in much more on that. I do have to say that God has really placed key people in my life. I have had a core group of people that have been there to listen to me rant and nudge me in the right direction. They understand me even better than I understand myself right now. One in particular has been a rock. Every time I dissolve and can't face one more thing, that support is there and I get put back together and can face the next thing. Couldn't do it without that support.

I am so touched by the outpouring for my kids and I. People have stopped their lives for a moment just to help me and pray for me and the kids. Amazing. To whoever made the anonymous donation, thank you. I am stunned and in complete awe.

Anyway, I am rambling. I'm ok. The kids are ok. We will make it and are held in His hand. One step at a time.