New Years Eve 2009

Here we are at the beginning of a new year, new decade etc etc. I am so looking forward to this year. The last 2 have been hard at best. Honestly, 2008 was probably the worst/hardest year of my life. 2009 was much improved and that gives me a huge amount of hope for 2010. Of course the thing that seems to pop out the most to me is that in the midst of the hardest seasons, monumental growth happens. Which is good as I was pretty stagnant in life for a long time. When the choice is either grow or remain stagnant, regardless of how painful that growth/change is, it is always more preferable to the alternative. Stagnation is what breeds death and I don't want to be there.

Taking stock of the year is sort of staggering this year. 2010. Wow. Remember growing up and calculating how old we would be in the year 2000 and finding that to be amazing? 10 years later and I am still in shock. 2010? How on earth did it go by so fast? By now aren't I supposed to have a flying car and a robot maid a la Rosie from the Jetsons? I spent a quiet New Year's Eve with good friends last night and am glad that I did. Couldn't ask for better.

Hmmm what to write....

As I am sure you have noticed I have taken an extended vacation from my blog. Not that anything exciting has happened of late, just haven't been feeling very bloggy. (is that a word?) Anyway, I want to get back into it as I know it is a very cathartic thing for me. Let's see what is the latest and greatest in my life. Work has changed of late. I am no longer working for an attorney here in town. I understand the need for family law/divorce attorneys but the emotional weight is quite intense. Not the job for everyone. So for those who do it and stay sane-kudos to you. So I am at home for a bit but not completely unemployed. I will start teaching pre-k next week for our church. We have recently opened up a Mother's Day Out program and I was approached to teach the kids in pre-k. Wow! Should be interesting. J will be in my class as well as a couple of other boys that I know from church. I am looking forward to it. It's always really neat to get involved in a project from the early stages to see it grow and expand. I really see this as a jumping off place for our church. We are growing and seeing new programs start up is really a blessing. I am still working as the financial secretary there as well so things will stay busy and I will be at the church a lot in the coming months. In the midst of all this, I am also taking some classes and getting my feet back into doing something productive. Not that I haven't been of late but most of what I have been doing is more on the unseen side I guess. Amazing how God uses us even in the midst of what seems to be unsure ground. I have been a sounding board for a couple of close friends and have blessedly received a sure word from God on bits and pieces of my future. To the point of being able to relax and trust Him on the issue. That is HUGE. I don't do that well with God. Trust Him you say? Are you kidding? This is the girl that (as I have said before) has no issue with believing that God can raise the dead and make dry land appear in the midst of a flight out of a foreign country for thousands of people but struggles to allow God to work in her life. Those miracles are monumental things-my life, well that's relatively insignificant. BUT trust Him I must. And now I do. On the things that He ever so patiently reminded me of. No matter what it looks like, God is in control of my life and I wouldn't have it any other way. Things continue to improve and I am truly grateful for where I am. He has orchestrated things for me that I would never have dreamed. Life will never be the same again and that is good. I do know that I had my taste of suburbia. While I did like it, I don't know that I will ever live that way again. I think that my future will be very different from what I have experienced to date. Not necessarily by my own doing even. We shall see. It's all in His hands now.

Blessed Beyond Measure

I sit tonight taking stock of life. That and realizing that I have a tendency to only blog when I'm struggling to process things, but for today I will share the good things in life. I have been presented with some really fantastic opportunities of late. I had the chance to visit a movie shoot for the first time ever this past weekend. Really neat! Very much what I expected but incredibly cool. I have always enjoyed seeing the back end of a process and this was no exception. I worked as stagehand help on a couple of musicals in high school and enjoyed it immensely, so this was that same feeling. I have never had any desire to be in front of the camera, but behind it has a great appeal. There is a sense of anticipation that hangs in the air, or at least from the brief view that I had. Would have watched for longer, but certainly didn't want to be in the way. I have also had an interesting proposition brought to my attention that is quite intriguing. Have to really think on this one. What could be with this really exciting. Of course it is contingent on so many other factors, and will have to be completely God orchestrated. But He has never failed to place everything perfectly before, so my only responsibility right now is to trust what He has already laid clear and continue looking to Him. Easy to say, but doing that...let's just say it's a work in progress. Work continues to be a challenge but I have learned so much in the past few months I can't complain too loudly. Not that anyone would listen. ;) My kids are doing really well. H is in 2nd grade and loving it. J is in pre K program and is having a great time. He does think it's "boring" but loves going. When I look at life, I can't help but be so incredibly grateful. God has continued to hold me in the palm of His hand. I have everything I need right now without fail.

Back to the Blog

Yet again, I have been off my blog. I think it's been hard to put into words how life is going. Some days are pretty good. Others are just rotten. I am currently dealing with a very real sense of inadequacy. In so many areas of my life, I feel that I just can't quite measure up. It's probably normal, but I think between the divorce and restarting my life, I am overwhelmed. Not drowning, yet. Just still trying to reacquaint myself with reality. And in the midst of this trying to be what God has called me out to be. I have been very much convicted that I need to get my finances in order. There is much to be done and if I am tied down by credit cards, I won't be free to do some things that I feel pulled toward. For example, I would love to be able to go on mission trips with the church, but can't if I can't take off due to funding. So needless to say, I am getting the debt down. One little bit at a time. Certainly not easy, but rewarding. Did pay off one of my student loans. One to go and then the credit cards. Little bit at a time. The whole inadequacy thing is really troubling, though. Wonder if this is me or just normal for my circumstances. It seems to be pervasive in most areas of life-parenting, my job, friendships, my faith. That feeling that the bar is just out of reach. To be honest, I am sure that that part of the issue is my self confidence is shot. I am so unsure of things right now. But then, maybe that's a good thing. He is calling me back to trusting Him. Letting go is soooo hard. Especially when I feel like I have to squeeze even tighter to maintain sanity. I have found myself repeatedly throwing my hands in the air and asking for Him to take over. But not because I am piously "releasing my will". It's more due to the fact that I don't want to face it anymore. It would be easier if I could just quit and retreat to my bed and never come out. But I can't. There are so many demands on me. Well, that's not accurate. There aren't that many demands, but the ones that are there are weighty. Nothing that can't be dealt with, it's a matter of prayer and stamina. The funny thing that comes to mind is Dory from Finding Nemo. "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming". Upstream isn't easy, but when I get to wherever it is God is taking me, it will be worth it.

Where I'm Supposed To Be

So I'm sitting here in the kitchen listening to Rush of Fools and finding myself at peace, even if just for a moment. There are bills to pay, laundry to do, books to read and a litany of other things that need to be done, but all I want to do is let the music wash over me. And for once I don't feel guilty about it. The bonus of spending just a little time in worship. No kids here for now, no one to be responsible for. Something so soothing about just placing myself in His hands and allowing Him to orchestrate my life. Not that I do that easily as you can see from my previous post. I struggle daily with trusting Him. That independent side of me wants to meddle and manipulate. Control the outcome of any given event to my satisfaction. And it takes a sheer act of will to remove my sticky little fingers off. And even then Christ has to come in and ever so gently remove my hands. Trusting Him with my life circumstances is probably the hardest thing for me. Believing that one man, who was fully God and fully man, died for my sins and rose again so that I would have hope and eternal life is easy in comparison. Isn't that odd? Something that fantastic is easy for me to accept, but allowing the God of the universe that raised that same man to order my daily steps is hard. I can't begin to understand how He is going to take this mess of a life that I have and turn it into something beautiful. So many errors, wrong turns and what I see as complete disasters, He takes, uses, and refines. The one thing that I know is that I am daily falling back in love with the God that loves me. Some days are better than others, and my perspective may swing drastically in one day, but above all else, He loves me and pursues me. Why-still haven't figured that out. Not much here that looks pursuable from my view, but He sees something. So will keep plugging. Who knows what tomorrow brings.

What's on your mind?

I got on facebook for a bit today and the status line made me think. What's on my mind? Everything. There is so much that I want to discuss and hash out but not necessarily verbally. I know that doesn't really make sense. I guess that's one way that my relationship with Christ is growing deeper. I long to talk to Him as an ongoing dialog. The only downside to being a Christian for me is that the one person that I want most to have a "tangible" conversation with is intangible. And there is soooo much I want to talk about. My job, my kids, my parents, my friends, where life is going, my finances, what's coming up next, which way I should go, where my heart is, the list goes on and on. I have a large weight on my shoulders right now and I know that I have probably talked it to death for those that I can talk to about it (cryptic I know) and the ones that I want to discuss it with I can't. Not yet. I find myself second guessing my every move and action, but still knowing that the only way I can be truly committed to anything is throw myself in fully, aware that it will either blossom or die. Yet I still find my heart hesitant. Partly due to timing, and partly due to my own fear. If I fully commit, I could get hurt. But the pull is still there, knowing the potential for pain. I didn't look for this circumstance and yet here it is. I guess that's the hard thing. Keeping my head level and steady in a sea that is anything but. My emotions are pitching all over and I want to find that even keel again. Makes me think of when Jesus walked on water. If you haven't read that lately go back and read it. He almost passed them by. But Peter called out to Him. In the 4th watch of the night, after a long day and longer night He waited for them to be nearly broken and exhausted. They had strained all night against a storm that threatened to take their lives. I have a friend who is in the midst of a storm like I have never seen or even been able to comprehend. Literally hit from every direction-financial, personal, spiritual, physical, you name it. And all I want to do is help, but I can't do much other than listen. It's incredibly humbling when you realize that there is absolutely nothing that you can do. I pray and continue to lay it before God and try to keep my focus on Him and let Him deal with the issues that I can't and probably shouldn't. I tend to muck things up when I stick my fingers in the pot. I know to place all these struggles on His altar is the only good and secure option. He is faithful and is big enough to take care of their struggles as well as mine. Question is-will I trust Him? It's so hard. He doesn't move at the pace that I want, but then my pace would probably leave most of the world in the dust. Well, Lord, I turn it over to you. Again. Do as You will. In Your time. And don't let me drown. The storm is bigger than me, but You are walking through it like a summer evening stroll. Gonna take it one thing at a time.

Day Off

Here I am on my official day off. I had forgotten how much I love these days, since I haven't been part of the "working" world in so long. Of course the kicker is that I woke up at 6:30 this morning. Just woke up. Grrrrr. I have no kids with me, nothing that absolutely has to be done, and my internal clock is still set to alarm. SIGH. Oh well. Laid in bed for a bit then finally decided to be human and join the rest of the world. But I have enjoyed a lazy morning. Had a couple of cups of coffee and touched up my roots (the reverse skunk thing was beginning to show). The benefit to getting my butt out of bed is that it is only 9:45 and I can still get some stuff done. Sheets need tobe washed and the kids room looks like a tornado hit it. They are with R this month so I can tackle getting rid of the umpteen million happy meal toys and various junk that seems to accumulate with anyone under the age of 10. I am realizing how much I miss them, but at the same time, it is good to have them with Dad for a bit. One of the things that God is teaching me lately has been about how I am not quite as much of a screw up as I think I am. At the moment, I really feel like I have bumbled through some things and seem to keep making the same mistakes. I do realize that I am probably harder on myself than I should be but at the same time, I feel very strongly that there is a standard that I must hold myself to. And to not at least attempt to meet that standard is a failure. Again, I am redefining myself and my environment. All this new stuff in the middle of a very busy life. But then, it would be dull without new thoughts and ideas to mull over. And if it brings about the change that God is looking for in me, all the better. Wouldn't have it any other way.